It was not good news.

I finally got the call back from my doctor about my blood test and ultrasound results. I knew it was not going to be good when they said my doctor had to talk to me and not just any nurse who had time. I am angry and sad and frustrated and totally overwhelmed right now.

First I have 3 cysts on my ovaries. Two cherry sized cysts. One on my left ovary and one on my right ovary. Those supposedly are no big deal. But there is a golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary. It is fluid filled so they do not think it is cancer. I have to go back to the clinic on July 29th for a follow up ultrasound and visit with my doctor. If the cyst has not burst on it's own by then she will decide if they are going to try to drain it or do surgery to remove it.

The large cyst is producing it's own hormones. The blood test showed that my estrogen levels are 4 times as high as they should be. The estrogen is suppressing my FSH and LH hormones. In other words I will not ovulate until the cyst is gone. There is a small chance that the Clomid will be strong enough to cause the cyst to rupture and then I will ovulate. But it is a very slim chance.

I asked her if the Clomid caused the cysts and she said no. My hormone levels were very high on the day I started the Clomid. She thinks the cyst has been there for a while. That is most likely why I did not ovulate last cycle or get a period on my own. If I get a period before the ultrasound, or after, I can start another round of Clomid. The cysts do not change the course of treatment she has chosen because she thinks it has nothing to do with the fertility drugs. She said a lot of women just get cysts. But we don't know it because most of the time we don't have some one diggin around in there to see it. She said in no way does this mean I have PCOS either. It is not that kind of cyst so I don't need to worry about that path.

I just feel like I wasted a cycle of Clomid. You only get so many and there goes one down the toilet. She told me there is still a chance to save this cycle. I can keep testing with OPKs if I like and let her know if my LH starts to rise. That would mean the cyst has taken care of itself. There is still a chance the Clomid could do the job it was meant to do. But I am just not holding out much hope right now.

But all of that is not even the worst part. Apparently the tech wasn't kidding when she asked about two cervix. My doctor thinks I have a double uterus. She thinks she can see 2 uterus and 2 cervix on the ultrasound. The one on the right is normal and most likely the one I carried my son and probably the other pregnancy in. But there seems to be a smaller, less well formed set on the left side. So part of the reason I am going back on the 29th is so she can have a better look around. She said that if I do in fact have 2 it will not in any way effect my health or my fertility. I would have to have a pap for both cervix but that is it. It doesn't seem to be "hooked up" to anything. It's just sittin there chillen. She will check it out with the ultrasound and do an in depth gyno check at my appointments that day.

I can't help but feel like a freak. I am trying not to think that way. But it is just very weird. She said while it is not normal for the female population in general. It is actually common in her practice. Again nobody notices these things unless there is a problem, like infertility, that makes them do some digging. But I still feel just weird. I am angry and upset that it seems like we are wasting a cycle of Clomid. I am upset that we are facing another set back. I am trying not to lose hope. I know we are no were near the end point of fertility treatment. We still have a long road and a lot of options to have a child of our own together. But right now I just feel chewed up and spit out by all of this. I feel like a total failure for not giving my husband a child of his own. I know how much it means to him and I am just not making it happen. He is fine and healthy. He can have children. I am begining to wonder if I ever will again. I am glad I have Fridy off. I need a day to just be alone and cry and get it all out of my system. This sucks! There is nothing I can do about it right now. That is the worst part for me. I want to do SOMETHING but there is nothing to be done but sit and wait to see what happens. I am tired of doing that. I am tired of all of this.