Friday, December 25, 2009

14 weeks

Wrong blog! Oh well!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Family Christmas Party 2009

I got to enjoy a lovely afternoon today with my family. We used to all get together on Christmas day but it got to be a bit much for my aunt and uncle to host every single year. Which is completely understandable. So every year a different kid hosts the party. This year was my mother's year. It was great to see my family and chit chat for a while. Everybody's kids get so big so fast. Bryan was not the oldest but he was pretty close to being the tallest. If you don't count the teenage boys in the family he toward over every one else. Especially his great grandma Melba (little old lady sitting in the chair). And he is catching up to his grandma Judy quickly too (lady in blue behind great grandma).

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It was a lot of fun. I am glad I got to see every one. But best of all I got to hold my nephew Julian. He was my little snuggle bug. I didn't give him up for hours. Finally he got the munchies and decided it was time to go eat. But until then I held him and tried not to cry. It was hard. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones. Or maybe it is because I love him dearly and wish I could have him in my life every day. Either way or both for a little while today he was all mine.

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Sunday, October 25, 2009

This weather is great ... if you're a duck

It has been raining here ... non stop. Oh wait it stopped raining ... long enough to SNOW! UGH! The weather has just been rotten this October. How ever if you are a duck it has been wonderful. The ducks have exited the barn every morning happy as clams. They frolic in the front yard as the rain falls on their heads. They splish splash in the big puddle outside of the cow yard. The meander throw the cow poop with the chickens even though it's cow sludge right now. Happy as clams they are! Until a flock of geese flew over head. I am pretty sure the ducks pooped themselves. It was very loud. Don't get any ideas boys and girls. Winter in MN isn't so bad ... kinda ... sorta ... don't ask Chicken Nugget. He lies I tell you! He lies!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Here kitty kitty kitty

While I was out taking pics of the duckies today I decided I better take some of the cats. We only have 3 lovely ladies left. I am worried our kitty population will become extinct. None of them had babies this year. So we are getting low and I am getting nervous. But here is who we have left.



This is Frisky.
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She is one of the original 6 kittens that were dumped at our farm several years ago now. She ran around and around and around not wanting us to catch her. The other 5 came running right up and seemed happy to be around people again. But not Frisky. Little bugger just kept running. Hence the name Frisky. She was just to freakin frisky that night!



This is Mina.
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She is our youngest and sweetest kitty. She makes a great parrot. Until she digs her claws into your shoulder and attempts to crawl onto your head.



This is Macy.
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She was also one of the original 6 kittens. We thought for sure she must be from a different litter because of her size. She was just so darn tiny! But I guess she was just meant to be small. She didn't grow much and is still rather pocket sized.



And this is Hunter.
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He is not our cat. He belongs to the neighbors. But loves to come down and romance my little ladies. Hunter doesn't much care for us and tends to run as soon as we come with in his rather large bubble. But he does serve a wonderful purpose.



See Hunter is the daddy of our dearly departed Hunter Jr.
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He was by far one of the sweetest and most snuggly cats I have ever had.


Hunter was so cute and fluffy and sweet that even Ethan let him in the house from time to time.
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How could you resist that fluffy little face?
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Sometimes he pushed his luck a bit.
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But he was such a good snuggler.


I loved him from the moment he was born.
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Coco wanted to mother him constantly.
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I am sure he got is personality from his wonderful mother Skittles.
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She was just as beautiful and just as sweet.


Sadly our Hunter passed away a few years ago now. But I am pretty sure his daddy has been around the ladies.
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I am pretty sure these little buggers belonged to him.


Sadly a raccoon killed Skittles while she attempted to protect those little orange fuzzy angels. It is the sad reality of farm life. But hopefully Hunter will keep wooing the ladies and we will have more baby Hunters in our future. In the mean time I am going to love the kitties I have left.

All grown up!

The duckies who once were so soft and fuzzy ....
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They were so adorable ...
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Well the duckies are all grown up now.
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Don't they look so hearty and healthy?
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They have learned to fly ... but hopefully not away from us.
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HEY! NO! I said not away from us! Simmer down now ... simmer down.

They just look so nice. The green heads of the males are absolutely beautiful. These pictures don't even do the shimmering green feathers on the boys heads justice. And how lucky are we to have an even number of boys and girls? I think the duckies are so .....
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Dang it Sonny! You just HAD to take a drink from THAT puddle while I was taking pictures didn't you? I think he has been taking lessons from the picture hound.

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Who me??? No Mina not you.

I was talking about the little brown one.
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Yes you young lady. Don't give me that look ....

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Not Allowed

On Friday my nephew Julian will be born. My sister has informed me that me and my husband are not welcome at the hospital. We will not be allowed to meet our nephew. I went to her baby shower and she told me she didn't know why I went because she had not wanted me there. I told her not to burn bridges that she may never be able to repair. But she has forcefully cut most if not all of my brother in law's family out of their lives. So I suppose it was just a matter of time before she cut her own sister and brother in law out too. It is sad how family feel it is OK to treat people like trash just because they are blood.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. On January 13, 2008 my husband and I lost our baby. I miscarried naturally in the comfort of our home with my husband and my son. Losing our child was the most devastating thing that has every happened to me and to us as a couple. The loss of a child at any stage and any age is utterly soul crushing. The pain eases but truly never goes away. I am amazed by how just the thought of my angel baby can send me into uncontrollable sobbing fits. From what I hear that never changes. My heart breaks for all the parents out there who have lost a child far to young.

In our lives for a moment but in our hears forever.

Once in my womb but always in my heart

I am a miscarriage survivor.

In loving memory of angel baby Hofschulte. Mommy and daddy miss you every day.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Only little dogs allowed!

From now on only little dogs are allowed to live in our house. And even then they must wear tiny little diapers with holes for their tails at all times.

OK I am kidding ... sorta. For some reason lately it has been a shit fest in my house. I know that sounds harsh but so is poop clean up at 3 am. When your sick. And bending over to pick the poo up makes your congested and dizzy and almost pass out. Not fun!

I am not OK with tying Bocephus up outside. And once winter comes that will totally not be an option. If I were not afraid of Bo chewing off the leg of any one in the general area then I might just let him run free out side. Like Sonny does and like Patty and Blackie always did. I mean that is one of the benefits of living on a farm right? But I have a huge fear of him attacking the mail man or something. I could buy an out door kennel. But my hubby keeps pooping on that idea. $300 might be a darn good investment verses what ever a ticket costs when your dog goes all Cujo on the UPS guy. But what do I know? *eye roll*

All I know is I am done having dogs in the house. Once Bocephus and Sonny have passed and gone on to doggy heaven I will still have medium/large dogs. But they will be STRICTLY OUT DOOR DOGGERS! Small chihuahuas are still allowed. But they will be kenneled EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!

OK I think I am done complaining about the pooter ... for now.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Awful dreams

I had the most awful dream the other night. It is still bothering me. I don't remember everything. I often have dreams that I have a baby but have been gone for what ever reason and unable to breast feed. By the time I get back to my baby my milk has dried up and I am robbed of the opportunity to breastfeed. It is a weird dream and happens a lot. So again the other night I have a baby and I have just been "missing" for the first couple of weeks. But in this dream my baby kept dying. I was able to revive the baby every time but when I did the baby would get smaller. Like one time I had swaddled the baby in blankets. I noticed that the blankets were over the baby's face. I pulled the blanket back and of course the baby wasn't breathing again. The fingers and lips had turned blue. I did rescue breathing and the baby came back again. Again the baby had shrank. I tried to breastfeed but the baby was to small to latch on and that was when I realized my milk had dried up again. It was so disturbing to watch my baby die over and over again and then come back to life but smaller. I remember thinking that eventually my baby will get so small that he/she will no longer exist. Such scary dreams.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Sinus Infection

UGH! I think I am getting a sinus infection. My sinuses having been hurting for the last 2 days I think. I have been taking Tylenol Sinus to help it hurt less and make me less stuffy. But I am thinking more and more that my stupid cold is turning into a sinus infection. I can feel it brewing in there. I will have to break out the nettie pot again and run some salt water through my sinuses a few times. Hopefully that will kill off any bacteria that might be growing in there. I can't forget my vitamin. Gotta keep my immune system up. Especially with the piggie flu at Bryan's school. I just don't need an infection right now. I have already taken the Clomid so it's not like I can cancel this cycle due to illness. OY!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Piggie Flu!!!

Ahhhhh! Tonight on the news, while I was at work, I noticed my son's school was on the news! Apparently there has been confirmed cases of the H1N1 virus! There have been tons of kids who are home sick. The piggie flu is running wild in my child's school. Oh just flippin great.

I have been sick for about a week now. Just a cold. Nothing serious. But unlike SOME people I work with I can not just call in sick. I actually have to find some one to cover my shift before I can stay home sick. Must be nice to be so pampered and favored by the boss lady to never have to cover your shift. ANYWAY I was sick all weekend. I just had to suck it up and suck down the Dayquil. BLAH! I feel mostly better now. A little sniffly still and coughing. But MUCH better then I was over the weekend.

Ethan complained about feeling ill but after a good nights sleep he says he is feeling better. Must also be nice to "get a good nights sleep" and suddenly feel better. UGH! But he said that Bryan had the sniffles. Geez! I am hoping and praying a lot that the sniffles are just the watered down version of what I have. Bryan has always been a healthy kid and fights off nasty bugs much better then I do. Plus since he knocked off his fingernail I have been making sure he takes his vitamin every single morning. So hopefully he will not and is not horribly sick.

So I broke out the cans of Lysol. I have sprayed every thing down. Probably to a fault. I have always had bottles of hand sanitizer around the house. Hand washing and hand sanitizer will be a MUST this flu season. I have a lot more deep cleaning that needs to be done. Break out the bleach!!! I have a small hand sanitizer bottle attached to my belt loop. I put one on his backpack. Hopefully he uses it and stays healthy.

I am going to go take my multi vitamin and try and get some sleep. If I can get the buggies off my brain. I have school in the morning. And to think I thought MY school was the one to worry about ...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Hot flashes suck!

Have I mentioned that hot flashes suck? Cause they really really do! A notorious side effect of the Clomid, hot flashes have been making my life miserable all weekend. I am sick so that doesn't help. I have found it interesting how some side effects have become less frequent the more I use the Clomid while others have become more frequent. My moods have been rather stable this time around. Except for Friday night when I almost jumped over the table and strangled my husband's friend. Every time he got louder I just got louder then him. LOL OK I know not very mature of me. Especially not in public. But not overly strange in a bar over a few drinks either. Other then that one out burst I really have not felt overly emotional. The hot flashes are a totally different story how ever. I have been hot flashin up and down this town all weekend long. Friday night Ethan asked me to turn the fan off. Instead of off I turned it to high and then aimed it at the couch where I promptly plopped down and spread out as much as possible. I was hot and sweating like a crazy woman. Maybe 30 minutes later I was freezing and turning the fan off. I can't help it! I am a little crazy these days. Infertility and treatment for infertility will do that to you I guess! HA HA HA

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The fat lady sang.

I am struggling today. I had a HUGE temp drop yesterday morning. I was sure AF was coming last night. I woke up this morning and my temp was back up, the cramps were gone and I had a tiny bit of hope again. Well all hope is gone. AF showed her ugly face. I am not pregnant. The fertility drugs failed this cycle. I failed this cycle. *sigh* I am angry. Angry at myself and the world and everyone around me getting my dream handed to them while I struggle again and again. Maybe it's not fair. Maybe it is childish. But sometimes I just don't care. I am just so mad. I need to do something. Something has to change ...

I have 2 more rounds of Clomid left. The first round was wasted on a cycle with the cyst I didn't know about. The second one did not get me pregnant. So now I have 2 left. I have picked up the prescription and will start again on Thursday. I hope that it works this time. We still have plenty more options. The Clomid is just option one. So even if the next two rounds of Clomid fail to get me pregnant we still have more steps to take and more drugs to try. *sigh*

Then I started watching the Biggest Loser at work. And now I am watching the rest of it at home. I am tired of being fat. I worry I am hurting my chances of getting pregnant because of my weight or my eating habits or my lack of exercise. I am tired of being tired all the time. I am tired of having trouble to bend over to do simple things like tie my shoes. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Things need to change. I need to change. I need to work harder at everything in my life. My job, my education, my home, being a wife and a mother to the one beautiful child that I do have. Something has to change ... I just don't know where to start ...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Hate the wait.

I hate waiting. I only have a few more days left until I can test. Ugh! I don't wanna wait! My temp was lower then before but still above the cover line. So it might be good still ... might be bad ... who knows. I could just be having an implantation dip. Or it could be my temps heading down before A shows. Who knows. *sigh* Just a few more days and I will have an answer. I hope it is the good one.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Going crazy already!!!

I just barely ovulated and I am already going crazy!!! I want to know! I want to test! Which is just plain old silly. It is far to early to test. But OMG I want to know NOW! I want to know if there is an itty bitty baby in there floating around and heading down my tubes into warm uterus land. UGH! I can barely stand it! How am I going to make it through the next 2 weeks??? It seems impossible!!! There is the part of me that says "RELAX! You have taken the Clomid and there is no dang good reason you are not pregnant. Heck you could even be pregnant with twins!" But then of course there is the part of me who is realistic based on the last 3 years off TTC that says "Who the hell are you kidding??? It hasn't happened before. Why would it happen now? You had one chance and you some how blew it! Bitch please! You are NOT going to have a baby this cycle or any cycle for that matter dumb ass!" I try to listen to the first voice. LOL *sigh* OK I will just be over here in the corner just going slowly crazy. Don't mind me.



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