No patience

I have no friggin patience. I will admit it. I am waiting for my period to show. I want to start the clomid already! I want to get this show on the road! UGH! I am so frustrated. I hate stupid people. They should be smacked clean upside the head. I want my period. I feel like a whiney little baby. But I just don't give a shit right now!!! AF ... get your ass here NOW! I am sick of the off again on again cramping and spotting. Just let it flow!!!!

For all the infertile ladies ...

Here is a little something for those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant. And feel like choking the smug pain the butt preggos that seem to swarm around us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8

More around the farm

I worked hard on Sunday. Sadly I am paying for it with a horrible sunburn. But here are some pics of all my hard work ... that led to my horrid pain!!!!
This is my Laura flower. My friend gave it to me for my birthday. It is not much now. But it will be a big bush with beautiful purple flowers eventually.


My pretty Memorial Day decorations ... they will probably be up the rest of the summer.


Ethan's peppers all nice and trimmed up and ready to grow.


My green beans on the left and snow peas on the right. The peas are HUGE. Not that is a race or anything. But if it was the peas would be kicking the beans butts.


My pretty butterfly in the garden.


My garden is finally completely planted. Hence the horrid sunburn.


Lilacs from one of our bushes. Lilacs are by far my favorite flower. They smell so wonderful.


By the way ...


I just need to remember the suntan lotion from now on.

I am broken ... and it hurts

Have you ever seen that blinkie? I have seen it under infertility blinkie searches and on some of the message boards. Now it feels so much more real. We know that Ethan is ok. Morphology was a hair low. But when you have billions and billions of little spermies swimming around in there it just really doesn't matter. SO the problem is me. I am broken. Fertile mertile has dried up. The girl who once lost her virginity and got knocked up in the same breath can seem to get a baby in the belly to save her life. Go ahead ... dip me in sperm from head to toe ... it won't help if the dang egg takes until Christmas to come out! And then when she finally makes her "fashionabley late" entrance she is as roughed up as a $10 hooker! OY! I have no problem saying "we" are infertile. I have trouble saying "I" am infertile. Cause BAM the blame goes straight to me. It's my fault he is not a daddy yet. He thought he had a sure thing but that went straight to hell some where down the last 10 year road. So I am broken ... it hurts ... and it hurts even more to say out loud. But I am working on it. Time to own up and be an adult. Somebody get my big girl panties out!

Time to get real.

So I have gone round and round about this. I think I have finally made my decision. I want to keep it as real as possible. Ya ya there I go being corny again ... I am good at it! I should teach a class. Anyway .... I am good at keeping it real about being a mommy and a wife and living on a farm. I have touched a bit here and there on our struggle with miscarriage. But I had to take time to really think about infertility. Did I really want to put myself out there? Did I really want to share all of our heartache? Should I keep it all private? I thought about this over and over again. And one of my biggest healing tools after my miscarriage was education. I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked to several woman that had experienced the same thing. Connecting and sharing with those women made a HUGE difference in my dealing with my grief. I went from being educated to educating. I worked my way to that with TTC and then with miscarriage. Both times healing my heart and easing my pain more then I could every imagine.

So I am getting real about infertility. I am going to be as real as possible here on my feelings and our struggles and the process to a happy healthy baby. I am slowly getting there on my message boards. The woman there are always wonderful and so supportive. But I want a place where I can let it ALL out. Swear words and all! Cause infertility brings on a whole new brand of swear words! LOL I have no intention of spreading my word all over town ... or facebook. I don't want to be disrespectful to other peoples feelings. I wish everybody felt that way. So here it will stay. And of course my boards. But fair warning it will be honest. There will be swearing and crying and pain. But I am hoping it will soon develop into overwhelming joy. And if I can help one lady feel less on her own in the TTC/Miscarriage/Infertility world and more normal then I feel my story is worth telling. So hold on ... it's gonna get wild!!!

RE Consultation

Ethan and I had our RE consultation today. It went very well! It kinda sucks that the fertility clinic is on the same floor as obstetrics. We almost knocked into a very largely pregnant woman when we got off the elevator. Not what you want to see on your way to the RE office. But it ended up being a pretty fantastic appointment.

First of all Ethan and I both LOVE our RE doctor! She was very nice and friendly and explained everything to us. She never once brought up the issue of weight. That was a big fear of mine. But she never said a word. She made it very clear that although fertility treatment does have an increased risk of multiple births she in no way shape or form wanted to make me the next octomom. Which in our minds gave her a lot of credit. Her goal is to help us fill our dream of bringing home healthy baby. There is always the chance of 2 or 3 but it is low. She will not do anything to put me or our baby/babies in danger. That made us respect her more and feel safe in her hands.

She went over all of our past test results with us. She broke it all down and explained the results and what every thing meant and what was normal. She also looked at my BBT charts and was impressed. She said it helped her zero in on what she thinks the problem is and what tests need to be run. She was also very happy that we had already done most of the tests she would have suggested to us. That way we can just get on with treatment and not have to wait since we have been TTC for 3 years now.

So Ethan' SA was fine. We knew that. But she went over everything in the results piece by piece. 20 million is considered normal. His sperm count was 89 million and she was pleasantly shocked. Morphology should be 15% and his was 14% but with that many spermies swimming around it is really not an issue. So Ethan will not have to do anymore testing.

All my tests looked good. She did notice from my charts that I have been ovulating later and later in my cycle. I told her I have a lot of cramping around ovulation so I know ahead of time when it is coming. She said my body should not have to work that hard to ovulate. Also because it is taking so long she is worried about the quality of egg that I FINALLY pop out.

Soooooo ... when I get my next period I have to go in for blood tests to check my hormone levels including my FSH. She does not think there is a problem with my ovarian reserve but she wants to check it to cover all our bases. I will also have to go in for an ultrasound so they can take a look at my ovaries and the egg quality.

The doctor gave me a prescription for clomid! She said I can start as soon as I get my next period. Well CD 3 ... but ya know what I mean. I don't have to wait for all the testing to be done since we have already done the big stuff. She said hopefully this will make me ovulate sooner in my cycle, increase the quality of egg I release and of course the number of eggs I release. That ups our chances of getting pregnant. Also it means shorter cycles which means more opportunity to get pregnant. We will try 4 cycles of clomid and if that doesn't work we will move up to IUI.

The doctor did warn us of twins. She asked if that was a problem or not. Would we be ok with twins? We both said YES! Twins are just fine and dandy! Of course our goal is one healthy baby. But at this points twins would not bother us one bit.

So everything was great. We love our doctor and feel well taken care of. We are both relieved to have taken that first step and started to try and fix things. There is light at the end of the tunnel again!

New Hope

I have some renewed hope again. I made the call yesterday to the fertility clinic. I have been scared to do it for 2 years now. I just kept hoping that I would "POOF" and become pregnant. That some how egg would meet sperm and settle in for a 9 month nap and I would not have to call in the doctors. But sadly that has not happened. So I sucked it up and finally called the appointment desk. The woman on the phone was wonderful and kind and patient with all of my questions. I hope this is just a small glimpse at what will be a wonderful clinic. We have our consultation on May 20th. We just go in, give the doc all our info, past test results, my BBT charts and chit chat about what might be wrong and what tests are needed still and what he will be able to do for us. I am so excited and can not wait. I just hope that I get a doctor who does not make my weight an issue. Or worse make my weight the only issue in his/her mind. I am working hard to lose weight and doing well. 15 pounds lost and like 8 billion left to go. But I am trying and getting results. So I can't complain. And hopefully the doctor won't either. Wish us luck!

It is fixed!!!

YES! Our dishwasher is finally fixed!!! I can wash dishes again. OK so I could still wash dishes before. But I had to do it by hand. And well I am lazy and it didn't get done very often. But now the dishwasher is full and running well. What more could I ask for?! ... OK maybe a maid that comes just once a week and deep cleans everything in my house ... that's not to much to ask for right?

I am frustrated!!!

This is my last week of class for this semester. I am getting to the point where I can not wait for this Chemistry class to be OVER! The material is hard but I can work through that. It is the behavior in the class and the teacher that is making me stress out. I don't need more stress!

There are a group of students in my class, roughly half of the class, that are disruptive. They talk constantly through out class, making jokes and not paying attention. They interrupt the teacher often in the middle of lecture. I don't mind so much when it is to ask a question to clarify something that they do not understand. I think there is a more polite way to do it. But maybe I am an old fuddy duddy. But I can not stand when they interrupt for stupid and often smart a$$ comments about the teacher, the class, the material or some way to wiggle out of doing the work.

Today one of them asked if we were the worst class that my teacher had and he said "Yes you are." AHHH! I was so mad! I sit quietly and make every effort to pay attention and learn the material to the best of my ability. My education is important to me and I am really trying. It frustrates me to have that focus interrupted. It frustrates me to be thrown into the general "bad" class comment. I just want it to be done.

I don't blame my teacher for being angry ... let's face it he is just flat out pissed off lately. I can see why. I feel his frustration and it does bother me. Today those other students were trying to get him to let them take the final Thursday morning during our morning lecture. The final is scheduled for Thursday afternoon during our lab hours so that we have the entire 2 hours to take the final and do well. So after class this morning and by the time I made it home my teacher had sent out a mass email to all the students in my class. Here is a copy of the email he sent out.

"Due to the lack of respect for me and the people who are trying to learn the material, I will not give any final exam early during lecture unless everyone is ready so I can watch you take the final. There are no exceptions to this. Matt"

I want to send him an email back, separate from the original email of course so no one else can read it. I want to tell him that I want to have Thursday morning for review and that I am not comfortable expressing that in front of those other students.

My birthday has got to get better soon right?