Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Not yet a go

1 ... 2 ... wait ... what ... I haven't made it to 3 yet ... I didn't even get to say go!?!?!


As usual life got in the way and I didn't get started on my FlyLady project. In my defense it was the baby and not my laziness. The baby is teething ... again. And when he teethes it is brutal! He seems to be doing better this morning. Now if only he would let me look inside his mouth to see if those darn canine teeth finally broke through. Or if I should just keep a steady stream of ibuprofen in him. LOL

Tomorrow I am off to my new job for my first day on the floor. So I guess we will see how much I can get done before it is time to head to work. Unless the baby is not well again. Then I will spend the morning in the chair being drooled on ... again.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Gonna try to fly!

I am going to try to fly again. No I don't mean in a plane or anything. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get up the nerve to drive a car?!

I am going to try the FlyLady plan ... again. I started it once a very long time ago. I did well for a couple of weeks. I don't really remember why it fell apart and I stopped doing it. But I am on it again. I have the book on my Kindle. (My new favorite way to read)
For those of you who don't know what I am talking about I will clue you in a little bit. Because I only remember a little bit. LOL

Basically my house is out of control and we need to get organized and clean. It is hard to do with a very high energy almost toddler crawling around and getting into EVERYTHING! Plus with all my former work drama I just have not had the time, energy, interest or mental stamina to get anything done around here.

So we are now living in what the FlyLady calls CHAOS. Which means "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome". Live there? I am the queen of there! And with a little Mr. somebody closing in on his first birthday I can't even begin to think about having people here for his party. Not that I have his party planned yet. Because I have no idea what weekend I am working!


So anyway I am at it again. I am hoping it will help get us organized, the house clean, a better level of baby-proofing and the opportunity to have friends and family over when ever we want. With out scrambling to pick the dirty underwear off the bathroom floor before some one has to pee. Plus it is just nice to sleep in a sweet smelling house with out fear of tripping over a toy that will kill you on your way to a midnight tinkle.


If you are interested in learning how to fly here is a link to the website.
http://www.flylady.net/

I also recommend her book Sink Reflections. It is a great resource when you need to make a quick check to make sure you are on goal and you don't want to boot up the computer. You can get both a hard copy or ebook style. Like I said I am enjoying mine on my Kindle.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Moving on up!

At least I hope I moved up in the world. LOL Yesterday was my last day at the job I held for 8 years. It was a good job .... once upon a time. I used to love what I did. But situations change. Good staff leave. Crappy staff show up and DON'T LEAVE. You but heads with your boss. The perks that used to make the job worth doing have been taken away. It's not because I didn't love the actual job. I just couldn't stay where I wasn't happy. I don't want clean house. I don't want to wash dishes. I don't want to wash clothes. If they aren't in my house from my family I don't want to clean up the messes. I want to take care of people. So it was time to move on.

I thought I would feel more last night. Some intense feeling of sadness or joy. But I didn't really feel anything. I don't know if it has not hit me yet. Or maybe because I have had one foot out the door since my maternity leave it just doesn't upset me like I thought it would. I am still on call and can work when ever I want. So I am not totally gone. I just kind of feel meh.

I am nervous for the new job. Mostly because it is new and change is hard. I worry I won't like it or won't be good at it. I am sure these are feelings we all go through when starting a new job. It just has been so long since I had a new job I don't remember anymore! LOL So hopefully this will be a positive change.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dental Anxiety

I made it through another dentist appointment. I have had a lot lately. I have crappy teeth. Today they finished up the root canal that was started 2 weeks ago. The tooth has been filled now and eventually I will need a crown. But for now it is good to go.

I don't usually have problems with anxiety when it comes to the dentist. Unless you count the anxiety that comes with paying the bill! LOL But the last couple of things I have had done have required a lot of Novocaine to thoroughly numb me up to do the work that I needed. The only pain I feel is those stupid needles and a mild soreness in my jaw when all is said and done.

The hard part for me has been the numbness. This would be why I used to have my fillings done with out Novocaine. My tongue and pretty much the entire side of my mouth goes numb. Which is good of course. But I start to have problems with swallowing. I can swallow but it feels like I can't move my tongue, lips and cheek. Sometimes it feels like my tongue falls back and I can't pull it forward to either swallow or to breath. I know logically that I am fine. But I start to panic. The longer it takes for me to move my tongue the more I panic. Then of course it takes me a bit to get myself settled back down.

Anxiety is hard enough to deal with in private. But it is insane when you have two people hovering over you with their fingers in your mouth. Part of me wants to sit up and hyperventilate a bit. But most of me just wants to hang on and get through it. Because if I ask them to stop I have two problems. First of all I have to try and explain to them that I am not in pain but am instead having a panic attack. And second it would just make things take that much longer to finish up so I can get out of there.

So I did my best to suck it up and get through. I focused on the writing on the center piece of the light above me. I did my deep breathing. Which was difficult at one point when the rubber thingy got pushed to high and covered my nose just has I was breathing in. I repeated to myself over and over again in my head that I was fine. I could breath. I could swallow. I just needed to stay calm. My jaw did not hurt from going ahhhhhhhhhhhh for what felt like forever. (Yeah right! It was totally killing me!) It only took an hour to do the work. My dentist admitted that it was more difficult than he had thought it would be. (It is difficult to push away the panic when you can see your dentist shaking his head as he works.) But I got through it.

I am home now. The baby is sleeping. The numbness has worn off. I think I can finally have some lunch. WOOT WOOT! I am starving. And I am happy to be able to say I conquered yet another anxiety threat and avoided a full on panic attack. I still struggle from time to time but I have the tools and I am getting better. And I have been able to do it with out medication which means a lot to me. I am happy for that.

Monday, March 21, 2011

So who is right?

I have been struggling ... a lot lately with some people. I will not name any names. One I don't want to get myself in any trouble. Two I don't want to offend or upset anyone. Three I know that I am not always right and not every one shares my views. But I just feel like I have to put it out there.

I have been noticing more and more people around me having a "holier than thou" attitude. They believe that either their way of thinking or just themselves in general are some how better then anyone else. I am right and you are wrong. It's my way or the highway. Believe what I believe or be condemned. Because I say so, the book I read says so, the "expert" I talked to says so or what ever their reasoning is. They feel the need to not only say they are "right" but to then shove it down your throat. And if you don't agree with them they then pull out some sort of guilt trip fitting to the particular situation. The most annoying part is you can not reason with them. They are right because they say they are. They are unwilling to admit that maybe ... just maybe ... despite everything they have been told maybe they are wrong.

Now I have no problem with people feeling strongly about what they believe in. That is what makes us unique. That is what drives us to not only just get by but to do better for ourselves, our family and our community. But people need to get a grip. Believe what ever it is that rings true in your heart and in your soul. Be strong in it and be happy. But remember that not every one has chosen the same path in work, religion, parenting, marriage and every other aspect of life. There is no right or wrong. Do not judge. Do not bully. Do not act as if you know best. Do not put down others who do not share your view.

Be supportive. Be nonjudgmental. Be open to discussion. Be open to being wrong. But most importantly be respectful. Everybody deserves love and respect no matter how much you disagree with them. And if some one does or says something nice for you don't point out what you believe to be their flaws! That is not a thank you!

I know that I am not always right. I am willing to admit that no matter how strong I am in my beliefs I might be wrong. I might not be doing the right thing. But I am honest in my own truth. I am happy with the choices I have made. I am secure in my faith. I love my family above all others. And those things make me happy.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Crotcheting fool!

I recently taught myself to crotchet. I am not great at it. Basically if it is flat I can make it. A lot of blankets in my future! So far I made scarves for my mother and my mother in law for Christmas. A blue one for my mom. A purple one for my mother in law. I forgot to take pictures of them before wrapping them up. So I have no pics to show of my hard work. Sad day.

I was attempting to make baby gifts for a few coworkers who are due in like a couple of weeks. But I got caught up in making the scarves. Then my attempt at making a little lovey some how turned into a ball. Don't ask me how. I have no idea. But once it got into a half ball shape I just went with it. I have stuffing left over from when I made Miss Norma her high school pillows. So I stuffed my creation. And now Wyatt has a small fluffy ball to play with. Oooops!

I made myself a cell phone pouch. Miss Norma saw it and like it so I made her one too. It is red, white and blue. Because when you are talking about the two of us what other colors are there? I put a little button on hers. A design flaw of my own pouch. One I will have to figure out some how.

I had left over pink yarn from the pouch. Not enough to make a scarf. To much to just let sitting around. So I made myself a head band/ ear warmer type thingy. It is super warm and I actually look forward to getting to wear it. God knows it will be cold enough this week. -20 degrees below zero. UGH!

I am back to working on Wyatt's blanket which was one of my first things I started to make. And when I am done with that I will get started on the red, white and blue blanket I am making for the living room. I am excited! I have no idea when I will have time to do other crafts like making the curtains for the bathroom. Or finishing the scrapbooks. Wyatt is getting old fast and I am having trouble keeping up.

Why do people always end up hovering over my should when I write? Go finish your chores Bryan!

Anyway back to pumping and creating things for myself and my loved ones!

Photobucket

Photobucket

Thursday, January 13, 2011

3 year angel anniversary

Today is our 3 year angel anniversary. I can not believe it has already been 3 years since I miscarried. It is one of those things that seems like it happened just yesterday and an entire life time ago all at the same time. We had tried so hard for 2 years to get pregnant. We were so happy and excited to finally be having our first child together. We had shared the wonderful news with all of our family and friends.

But shortly after sharing the news cramping and spotting began. The doctor told me to lay down, rest and drink lots of water. Hoping that was all I needed to do to stop what I knew was happening I spent a few days in bed trying to rest. But it did no good. Our baby had no heart beat on the ultrasound. 3 years ago today the contractions started and we lost our child ... our dream ... a member of our family who we already loved more then life itself.

I wish I knew then what I know now. It would not have cut the pain. I lost a child. My baby died and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing makes that better. But at least if I had known 3 years later I would have an amazing baby boy to hold and love I would have had hope. Back then I had very little hope.

Every holiday is at least a little difficult because I know we are missing a family member. I look at Bob and my heart aches for the baby who should be his age. The child who should be a big brother or sister right now. But then I look at my boys and I am grateful. I am grateful that I had the strength to make the choice to keep and raise Bryan. Despite all that has happened I have never for a single second regretted my decision to parent. I am grateful for the gift of experiencing pregnancy, birth and raising a child with my wonderful loving husband. Something I was worried I would never get to experience. I am grateful for this beautiful, high energy and extremely happy baby boy. Wyatt is every thing I dreamed off. He is everything I thought I lost that day. He is my light. He is my hope. He is my joy. I am grateful for my husband and my sons and my sweet angel baby in heaven looking down on us. We love you and we miss you every single day. You are never forgotten angel. Until we meet again we love you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I want babies!

We have very sadly been dwindling in our animals. All but one cat is gone. Poor little Grill Daddy is all alone out there. He is sweet and fluffy but he can't make more cats by himself. Something has been eating my chickens again. It leaves nothing but feathers behind. Sets off the traps but doesn't actually get trapped. UGH!

So this spring I am hoping (fingers crossed) that we can have a baby rush. If you have a female cat/kitten that needs a good home I have a barn aching for furry friends. Grill Daddy needs some one to snuggle with.

I am thinking about putting up a fence again and going hog wild on the chicks. I love the reds that I bought a few years back. They are huge and a beautiful rusty red color. Good hearty birds for the insanely cold winters here. I always suck at picking out the hens though. So we typically end up with 8 billion roosters and 3 hens. So maybe I will just get a couple dozen and hope that this time we get more ladies. But I will not travel down the duck road again. That was just sad. Apparently ducks are very tasty. Grrrrr

So hopefully I will find the time to build a fence and care for chicks this year. I also hope to get back out into the garden. Still not sure I will keep the baby out of trouble while I do all this though. Pretty sure he will be into something he shouldn't be in two seconds flat. He is really good at that.