I have been having trouble dealing with my miscarriage again. It's been almost a year since we lost the baby. I have actually been doing pretty well for the last few months. I made it past my due date with out to much trouble and I was feeling pretty good. But the closer we get to Christmas and the 1 year anniversary of losing our baby the harder it gets for me again.
I am not really looking forward to Christmas. It is always an argument every year with my ex on who gets my son and when. So that makes me stress out every year. Then we had our pictures taken for our Christmas card. I couldn't stop thinking about how there should be 4 of us in the picture and there were only 3 people. This should be our baby's first Christmas but he/she is not here to celebrate it. I feel angry and frustrated and just plain sad.
January 13th is the 1 year anniversary of losing our baby. I can't stop thinking about how I was pregnant at this time last year. We were so excited. We had so much fun telling every one. All those months of TTC and all the poking and prodding from the fertility tests had finally paid off. We were so happy and excited. Now this year our baby is gone and we still have had no luck with TTC again.
I have had another baby boom around me again. Of course I am very excited for those who are pregnant. They worked hard and have been through plenty of pain too. But it is getting hard to suck it up, put a smile on and congratulate yet another person on their BFP. And as a CL of a TTC board I really don't have a choice sometimes. I don't really feel like I can vent to the ladies like I used to.
I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated. Nobody seems interested in listening. They change the subject or look uncomfortable. Finally I just gave up trying with most people. Ethan doesn't want to dwell on the bad and only look towards the future. So he makes me feel like a complete idiot for still grieving. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad. And I know he hurts too. But sometimes it feels like nobody cares.
I don't want to feel bad anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be excited about Christmas. But then sometimes I think I should just let myself feel these things and cry it out so I can get over it. Get on with my life again. I am sick of no one understanding. I mentioned to DH tonight about going to talk to a counsellor or something. It may get better after the holidays and the 1 year anniversary. If not I will definitely go to see some one. Anyway I just felt the need to complain and vent and write it all out. It does help a little bit.
1 comment:
I had a very early miscarriage once that, if it had happened at any other time in my life, I would have gotten over it in a week, but since I had been WANTING a baby SO BADLY for SO LONG it was agonizing for quite a while. Finally I just spent an hour writing about it and gave it a name ("B" - didn't know the gender after all). That really helped. I'm sure the TTC board would love to hear you vent, actually. That would let them know that their CL is going through what they're going through and isn't above all of their agony :)
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