The fat lady sang.

I am struggling today. I had a HUGE temp drop yesterday morning. I was sure AF was coming last night. I woke up this morning and my temp was back up, the cramps were gone and I had a tiny bit of hope again. Well all hope is gone. AF showed her ugly face. I am not pregnant. The fertility drugs failed this cycle. I failed this cycle. *sigh* I am angry. Angry at myself and the world and everyone around me getting my dream handed to them while I struggle again and again. Maybe it's not fair. Maybe it is childish. But sometimes I just don't care. I am just so mad. I need to do something. Something has to change ...

I have 2 more rounds of Clomid left. The first round was wasted on a cycle with the cyst I didn't know about. The second one did not get me pregnant. So now I have 2 left. I have picked up the prescription and will start again on Thursday. I hope that it works this time. We still have plenty more options. The Clomid is just option one. So even if the next two rounds of Clomid fail to get me pregnant we still have more steps to take and more drugs to try. *sigh*

Then I started watching the Biggest Loser at work. And now I am watching the rest of it at home. I am tired of being fat. I worry I am hurting my chances of getting pregnant because of my weight or my eating habits or my lack of exercise. I am tired of being tired all the time. I am tired of having trouble to bend over to do simple things like tie my shoes. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Things need to change. I need to change. I need to work harder at everything in my life. My job, my education, my home, being a wife and a mother to the one beautiful child that I do have. Something has to change ... I just don't know where to start ...