Dental Anxiety

I made it through another dentist appointment. I have had a lot lately. I have crappy teeth. Today they finished up the root canal that was started 2 weeks ago. The tooth has been filled now and eventually I will need a crown. But for now it is good to go.

I don't usually have problems with anxiety when it comes to the dentist. Unless you count the anxiety that comes with paying the bill! LOL But the last couple of things I have had done have required a lot of Novocaine to thoroughly numb me up to do the work that I needed. The only pain I feel is those stupid needles and a mild soreness in my jaw when all is said and done.

The hard part for me has been the numbness. This would be why I used to have my fillings done with out Novocaine. My tongue and pretty much the entire side of my mouth goes numb. Which is good of course. But I start to have problems with swallowing. I can swallow but it feels like I can't move my tongue, lips and cheek. Sometimes it feels like my tongue falls back and I can't pull it forward to either swallow or to breath. I know logically that I am fine. But I start to panic. The longer it takes for me to move my tongue the more I panic. Then of course it takes me a bit to get myself settled back down.

Anxiety is hard enough to deal with in private. But it is insane when you have two people hovering over you with their fingers in your mouth. Part of me wants to sit up and hyperventilate a bit. But most of me just wants to hang on and get through it. Because if I ask them to stop I have two problems. First of all I have to try and explain to them that I am not in pain but am instead having a panic attack. And second it would just make things take that much longer to finish up so I can get out of there.

So I did my best to suck it up and get through. I focused on the writing on the center piece of the light above me. I did my deep breathing. Which was difficult at one point when the rubber thingy got pushed to high and covered my nose just has I was breathing in. I repeated to myself over and over again in my head that I was fine. I could breath. I could swallow. I just needed to stay calm. My jaw did not hurt from going ahhhhhhhhhhhh for what felt like forever. (Yeah right! It was totally killing me!) It only took an hour to do the work. My dentist admitted that it was more difficult than he had thought it would be. (It is difficult to push away the panic when you can see your dentist shaking his head as he works.) But I got through it.

I am home now. The baby is sleeping. The numbness has worn off. I think I can finally have some lunch. WOOT WOOT! I am starving. And I am happy to be able to say I conquered yet another anxiety threat and avoided a full on panic attack. I still struggle from time to time but I have the tools and I am getting better. And I have been able to do it with out medication which means a lot to me. I am happy for that.

So who is right?

I have been struggling ... a lot lately with some people. I will not name any names. One I don't want to get myself in any trouble. Two I don't want to offend or upset anyone. Three I know that I am not always right and not every one shares my views. But I just feel like I have to put it out there.

I have been noticing more and more people around me having a "holier than thou" attitude. They believe that either their way of thinking or just themselves in general are some how better then anyone else. I am right and you are wrong. It's my way or the highway. Believe what I believe or be condemned. Because I say so, the book I read says so, the "expert" I talked to says so or what ever their reasoning is. They feel the need to not only say they are "right" but to then shove it down your throat. And if you don't agree with them they then pull out some sort of guilt trip fitting to the particular situation. The most annoying part is you can not reason with them. They are right because they say they are. They are unwilling to admit that maybe ... just maybe ... despite everything they have been told maybe they are wrong.

Now I have no problem with people feeling strongly about what they believe in. That is what makes us unique. That is what drives us to not only just get by but to do better for ourselves, our family and our community. But people need to get a grip. Believe what ever it is that rings true in your heart and in your soul. Be strong in it and be happy. But remember that not every one has chosen the same path in work, religion, parenting, marriage and every other aspect of life. There is no right or wrong. Do not judge. Do not bully. Do not act as if you know best. Do not put down others who do not share your view.

Be supportive. Be nonjudgmental. Be open to discussion. Be open to being wrong. But most importantly be respectful. Everybody deserves love and respect no matter how much you disagree with them. And if some one does or says something nice for you don't point out what you believe to be their flaws! That is not a thank you!

I know that I am not always right. I am willing to admit that no matter how strong I am in my beliefs I might be wrong. I might not be doing the right thing. But I am honest in my own truth. I am happy with the choices I have made. I am secure in my faith. I love my family above all others. And those things make me happy.

Crotcheting fool!

I recently taught myself to crotchet. I am not great at it. Basically if it is flat I can make it. A lot of blankets in my future! So far I made scarves for my mother and my mother in law for Christmas. A blue one for my mom. A purple one for my mother in law. I forgot to take pictures of them before wrapping them up. So I have no pics to show of my hard work. Sad day.

I was attempting to make baby gifts for a few coworkers who are due in like a couple of weeks. But I got caught up in making the scarves. Then my attempt at making a little lovey some how turned into a ball. Don't ask me how. I have no idea. But once it got into a half ball shape I just went with it. I have stuffing left over from when I made Miss Norma her high school pillows. So I stuffed my creation. And now Wyatt has a small fluffy ball to play with. Oooops!

I made myself a cell phone pouch. Miss Norma saw it and like it so I made her one too. It is red, white and blue. Because when you are talking about the two of us what other colors are there? I put a little button on hers. A design flaw of my own pouch. One I will have to figure out some how.

I had left over pink yarn from the pouch. Not enough to make a scarf. To much to just let sitting around. So I made myself a head band/ ear warmer type thingy. It is super warm and I actually look forward to getting to wear it. God knows it will be cold enough this week. -20 degrees below zero. UGH!

I am back to working on Wyatt's blanket which was one of my first things I started to make. And when I am done with that I will get started on the red, white and blue blanket I am making for the living room. I am excited! I have no idea when I will have time to do other crafts like making the curtains for the bathroom. Or finishing the scrapbooks. Wyatt is getting old fast and I am having trouble keeping up.

Why do people always end up hovering over my should when I write? Go finish your chores Bryan!

Anyway back to pumping and creating things for myself and my loved ones!

3 year angel anniversary

Today is our 3 year angel anniversary. I can not believe it has already been 3 years since I miscarried. It is one of those things that seems like it happened just yesterday and an entire life time ago all at the same time. We had tried so hard for 2 years to get pregnant. We were so happy and excited to finally be having our first child together. We had shared the wonderful news with all of our family and friends.

But shortly after sharing the news cramping and spotting began. The doctor told me to lay down, rest and drink lots of water. Hoping that was all I needed to do to stop what I knew was happening I spent a few days in bed trying to rest. But it did no good. Our baby had no heart beat on the ultrasound. 3 years ago today the contractions started and we lost our child ... our dream ... a member of our family who we already loved more then life itself.

I wish I knew then what I know now. It would not have cut the pain. I lost a child. My baby died and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing makes that better. But at least if I had known 3 years later I would have an amazing baby boy to hold and love I would have had hope. Back then I had very little hope.

Every holiday is at least a little difficult because I know we are missing a family member. I look at Bob and my heart aches for the baby who should be his age. The child who should be a big brother or sister right now. But then I look at my boys and I am grateful. I am grateful that I had the strength to make the choice to keep and raise Bryan. Despite all that has happened I have never for a single second regretted my decision to parent. I am grateful for the gift of experiencing pregnancy, birth and raising a child with my wonderful loving husband. Something I was worried I would never get to experience. I am grateful for this beautiful, high energy and extremely happy baby boy. Wyatt is every thing I dreamed off. He is everything I thought I lost that day. He is my light. He is my hope. He is my joy. I am grateful for my husband and my sons and my sweet angel baby in heaven looking down on us. We love you and we miss you every single day. You are never forgotten angel. Until we meet again we love you.

I want babies!

We have very sadly been dwindling in our animals. All but one cat is gone. Poor little Grill Daddy is all alone out there. He is sweet and fluffy but he can't make more cats by himself. Something has been eating my chickens again. It leaves nothing but feathers behind. Sets off the traps but doesn't actually get trapped. UGH!

So this spring I am hoping (fingers crossed) that we can have a baby rush. If you have a female cat/kitten that needs a good home I have a barn aching for furry friends. Grill Daddy needs some one to snuggle with.

I am thinking about putting up a fence again and going hog wild on the chicks. I love the reds that I bought a few years back. They are huge and a beautiful rusty red color. Good hearty birds for the insanely cold winters here. I always suck at picking out the hens though. So we typically end up with 8 billion roosters and 3 hens. So maybe I will just get a couple dozen and hope that this time we get more ladies. But I will not travel down the duck road again. That was just sad. Apparently ducks are very tasty. Grrrrr

So hopefully I will find the time to build a fence and care for chicks this year. I also hope to get back out into the garden. Still not sure I will keep the baby out of trouble while I do all this though. Pretty sure he will be into something he shouldn't be in two seconds flat. He is really good at that.

I can't believe it's been 7 years.

7 years ago today my high school sweetheart passed away. I hate to admit that I actually forgot what today was. Then I saw a post from a high school friend. It was like being kicked in the gut. My breath was literally taken away. How could I forget? I feel awful. His death was one of the hardest moments of my life. I had never lost anyone important before. I didn't know how to handle it. I am still not sure I do.

The hardest thing for me and what makes me the saddest is not what I am missing but what he is missing. We had dreams. A house, marriage and children. I have all those things. I love where I live. I love where I raise my family. I have a husband who I love more then words. Who makes me happy and who is making all of my dreams come true. I have two handsome boys who mean everything to me. I hold my baby in my arms and feel the amazing joy of being a parent. I guess I still feel guilty that I have everything that he should have had the opportunity to have. I get to live and love and be happy. All things that I wanted for him but he can't have. I guess it is the guilt that makes me sad on this day every year.

I take comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering. He is in heaven with God. What could be better then that? I know that he is always with those of us who cared for him. I remember that every time it rains. I know that when we all are done here and make our way back home he will be there waiting for each one of us.

One seriously nasty sinus infection

Well I guess I have one seriously nasty sinus infection. Wednesday night I felt kinda crummy at work. I had a sore throat and a runny nose. No big deal.

I woke up Thursday morning and my throat felt much better but my left sinus hurt. I was tired and feeling a little crummy Thursday after supper so I laid down for a nap. When I woke up 2 hours later my sinus hurt more and had started to swell a little bit. Pretty normal symptoms for me when I get a sinus infection. I decided to put going to the doctor off until Friday after Ethan got home from work. I figured either it would get better because it was not a sinus infection and I wouldn't need to go in. Or it would get worse and I would have a leg to stand on about the pain and swelling so they wouldn't send me home or something.

Friday morning I woke up and could tell my face was more swollen. When I tried to look down while changing Wyatt's diaper I could see more of my cheek then I could of Wyatt. LOL I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror and was shocked at what I saw. My entire left cheek was swollen, red and warm to the touch. It looked like some one had clocked me right up side my face. I did my best to bring the swelling down on my own during the day. I tried acetaminophen, ibuprofen, an antihistamine, a cold pack, a warm pack, every thing I could think of. But the swelling just got worse as the day went on. So when Ethan got home from work I decided to go to one of the Fastcare clinics to have it checked out.

The nurse walked me back and we sat down so she could talk to me. She almost fell out of her seat. There was an instant look of concern that was mildly unnerving to be honest. She asked me a bunch of questions and then had me get on the table to examine me. The whole time she kept going back and forth on whether she should give me something or just send me straight tot he ER. She palpated my cheeks (OUCH!) and looked inside my mouth and checked my eyes. The nurse decided that I had a sinus infection that had abscessed into my left cheek. She said thankfully it had abscessed forward into my cheek and not backward into ... well my brain. *shiver* She said the main reason the treat sinus infections is because they can turn into brain abscesses and a brain abscess if bad enough can lead to brain damage. Now she almost had to pick me up off the floor. I just thought I had a nasty sinus infection. No big deal. I had no idea how serious it really could be. Scary stuff!

The nurse gave me a very strong antibiotic. Thankfully it is safe to take while breastfeeding so I won't have to supplement with formula at all and I won't have to pump and dump. She instructed me to take 800mg of ibuprofen along with the antibiotic twice a day for 10 days. The swelling should go down in 24 hours after the first pill. She said I should be feeling much better by Sunday. If the swelling does not go down, if it gets worse, if I have any eye pain, if I have an vision disturbance, if Ethan notices my pupil dilating and not reacting to light or if I become more fatigued and Ethan can't get me out of bed then I need to immediately go to the ER. She said I have a very serious infection and she is very concerned about it getting worse. Brain damage is nothing to take lightly. I obviously agreed with her on that one.

Hopefully the antibiotic will help, the swelling will go down and I will feel better soon. I really had no idea how dangerous a sinus infection could be. Why doesn't any one ever tell you this? I would have gone in much earlier today if I had known that. I am sure every thing will be fine. Fingers crossed that every thing is better soon.