Graduation time!

My boy is getting old! Which makes me old. Never mind! He is still YOUNG! Young I tell you! LOL OK so he is getting older. Bryan had his 5th grade graduation today. Tomorrow is his last day of elementary school. They had a wonderful ceremony for the kids. Bryan even had to sing.

Congrats to the Riverside students!


He accepted his certificate from his teacher.


Bryan with his certificate.


Bryan with his 5th grade and favorite teacher.

She really has been wonderful. I love all the potential she sees in Bryan and how wonderfully she expresses it.

I admit ... I cried. My boy is putting a big chunk of his life behind him. It is hard to believe. It went so fast. I wonder if the next 10 years will go by this quickly? Probably faster. I am going to be a blubbering mess by the time his high school graduation rolls around!!!

cramps ... cramps and ... well nothing else

I have cramps hardcore today. I am hoping that it is for a good reason. I hope my period comes today. I mean really? Cramps are so not worth the pain if there is no period. I am so tired of this waiting game. I just want to get my period and start the clomid. It is hard to sit back and let nature take it's course. Maybe I should call my RE and ask for something to jump start AF. I don't know. I don't know what I should do or what the right answer is. That is one of the hardest parts of infertility. You have no idea what is the right answer or what is going to get you pregnant. Fingers crossed and legs wide open. LOL Other then that and prayer I don't know how else to get through all of this. *sigh* I hope I get some kind of answer soon.

No patience

I have no friggin patience. I will admit it. I am waiting for my period to show. I want to start the clomid already! I want to get this show on the road! UGH! I am so frustrated. I hate stupid people. They should be smacked clean upside the head. I want my period. I feel like a whiney little baby. But I just don't give a shit right now!!! AF ... get your ass here NOW! I am sick of the off again on again cramping and spotting. Just let it flow!!!!

For all the infertile ladies ...

Here is a little something for those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant. And feel like choking the smug pain the butt preggos that seem to swarm around us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8

More around the farm

I worked hard on Sunday. Sadly I am paying for it with a horrible sunburn. But here are some pics of all my hard work ... that led to my horrid pain!!!!
This is my Laura flower. My friend gave it to me for my birthday. It is not much now. But it will be a big bush with beautiful purple flowers eventually.


My pretty Memorial Day decorations ... they will probably be up the rest of the summer.


Ethan's peppers all nice and trimmed up and ready to grow.


My green beans on the left and snow peas on the right. The peas are HUGE. Not that is a race or anything. But if it was the peas would be kicking the beans butts.


My pretty butterfly in the garden.


My garden is finally completely planted. Hence the horrid sunburn.


Lilacs from one of our bushes. Lilacs are by far my favorite flower. They smell so wonderful.


By the way ...


I just need to remember the suntan lotion from now on.

I am broken ... and it hurts

Have you ever seen that blinkie? I have seen it under infertility blinkie searches and on some of the message boards. Now it feels so much more real. We know that Ethan is ok. Morphology was a hair low. But when you have billions and billions of little spermies swimming around in there it just really doesn't matter. SO the problem is me. I am broken. Fertile mertile has dried up. The girl who once lost her virginity and got knocked up in the same breath can seem to get a baby in the belly to save her life. Go ahead ... dip me in sperm from head to toe ... it won't help if the dang egg takes until Christmas to come out! And then when she finally makes her "fashionabley late" entrance she is as roughed up as a $10 hooker! OY! I have no problem saying "we" are infertile. I have trouble saying "I" am infertile. Cause BAM the blame goes straight to me. It's my fault he is not a daddy yet. He thought he had a sure thing but that went straight to hell some where down the last 10 year road. So I am broken ... it hurts ... and it hurts even more to say out loud. But I am working on it. Time to own up and be an adult. Somebody get my big girl panties out!

Time to get real.

So I have gone round and round about this. I think I have finally made my decision. I want to keep it as real as possible. Ya ya there I go being corny again ... I am good at it! I should teach a class. Anyway .... I am good at keeping it real about being a mommy and a wife and living on a farm. I have touched a bit here and there on our struggle with miscarriage. But I had to take time to really think about infertility. Did I really want to put myself out there? Did I really want to share all of our heartache? Should I keep it all private? I thought about this over and over again. And one of my biggest healing tools after my miscarriage was education. I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked to several woman that had experienced the same thing. Connecting and sharing with those women made a HUGE difference in my dealing with my grief. I went from being educated to educating. I worked my way to that with TTC and then with miscarriage. Both times healing my heart and easing my pain more then I could every imagine.

So I am getting real about infertility. I am going to be as real as possible here on my feelings and our struggles and the process to a happy healthy baby. I am slowly getting there on my message boards. The woman there are always wonderful and so supportive. But I want a place where I can let it ALL out. Swear words and all! Cause infertility brings on a whole new brand of swear words! LOL I have no intention of spreading my word all over town ... or facebook. I don't want to be disrespectful to other peoples feelings. I wish everybody felt that way. So here it will stay. And of course my boards. But fair warning it will be honest. There will be swearing and crying and pain. But I am hoping it will soon develop into overwhelming joy. And if I can help one lady feel less on her own in the TTC/Miscarriage/Infertility world and more normal then I feel my story is worth telling. So hold on ... it's gonna get wild!!!