I can't wait for this to be over!

Today is my last day of class. My last test is this morning. I can not wait to be done! I suck at math. I am just not good at it. So this class has been stressful all semester. I try hard. But it is hard to get homework done and feel like you are well practiced in the material before a test when you have 8 MILLION other things to do and everybody bitching that they need something. COME ON! Give me just and hour or two to myself would ya! LOL Ok I am off to practice some more. I would love to instead go back to bed. Since I was up half the night last night because of stress. But I don't want to over sleep and miss the last dang test. LOL So I am going to study before school instead. Wish me luck!

I didn't think you would take me so literally

Well it did warm up a bit yesterday. It warmed up 20 degrees between Monday night after work and Tuesday night after work. So I got my wish there. But when I said let it snow ... well maybe I didn't mean THIS much snow. LOL And now they say 6-9 more inches on Thursday. OK I get it. Be careful what you wish for. Can it stop snowing now? The cats are starting to have to LEAP across the yard when I bring food out!


MEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOW!

You don't even wanna know what she just said to me ....

Let it snow

Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow .... what ever. Just so long as it FLIPPIN warms up! I am sick of the constant below zero temps this week. Ugh!

Holy Mother of COLD!

We have a wind chill advisory here today. It is -6 right now. Which while cold doesn't sound mind numbing. But then of course you add the wind chill in and it gets insane really fast! I hear it is only suppose to get worse. -18 or so with out the wind chill. God only knows what with it. I hope they are wrong. I hope it is not that cold. But I am not holding my breath either. I wish the semester was over. I wish I didn't have to go to class today. UGH!

Happy Dream

I had a wonderful dream the other morning. I can't remember for sure. But I think it was Saturday morning. The dream went like this:

I was not feeling quite right. Something felt off and I could not put my finger on it. So I thought, for the heck of it, I would take a pregnancy test. Now I have a large supply of internet cheapy tests that I got off from Ebay. That way I can save the good ones for when, if ever, I am pregnant again. But for some reason in this dream I used one of the good tests. I peed in a cup and stuck the test in for the required 10 seconds that the instructions told me. Yes I pee in a cup to take a test. I do this with ovulation tests and my fertility monitor tests too. It is just easier to pee in a dixie cup and throw it away then to try and pee on a stick with out getting the whole dang thing wet. Now normally when I take a test I set it down on the bathroom sink and wander away to take care of my other morning duties. But for some reason in this dream I set it down and watched the wetness cross the test window. Right away I saw 2 lines show up! I picked up the test to look closer. I thought for sure my eyes or my mind were playing tricks on me. But the test line quickly got just as dark if not darker then the control line. Stunned outa my brains I picked up a internet cheapy. I forced out a little more pee into a new cup and put the test in. Again it came up positive instantly. I was shocked to say the least. I could barely proccess the sight of a positive pregnancy test. A warm happiness washed over me. I stood their deciding. Do I rush out of the bathroom, into the bedroom and wake the hubby up to share the good news? Do I hold it in and find a sweet way to tell him like I did last time I was pregnant? OR do I try desperatly to hold this fabulous little secret in until Christmas? I mean what better Christmas present could I give the hubby? You are gonna be a daddy! Again ... hopefully anyway.

Well I never got a chance to make up my mind. Something woke me up. I am not sure what. But I woke up and of course was sad to realize it was just a dream. But it was a wonderful dream. A dream I hope will come true some time this week. I wonder if I could keep that secret until Christmas?

Why ... so ... sleepy ... ?

I have been SOOOO tired all weekend. We had a holiday party with friends on Friday. It was a LOT of fun. The hubby and I had a really good time. Sadly the boy was with his bio-dad and was not able to come with. But we still had fun. My hash brown casserole seemed to go over very well. The casserole dish was scraped clean. I would have loved some left overs. But no left overs is always a good sign. The food was delicous. The games were fun. We got to hang out and talk and just have a good time. It was really nice. I got to play with my itty bitty baby Bobby buddy. HE HE HE I don't know why but that is the name I have been calling him in my head. He is our friends son. I love that kid to death. He is so calm and full of smiles all the time. It is neat to watch him so bright eyed and interested in the world around him. Makes my uterus hurt.

After the party a few friends went to the bar. The hubby went home since it was mainly going to be girls. I am sure the one friend would have bar hopped all night. In fact she probably did. But I was tired and one of my friends needed a ride home. She had to be up good and early for work in the morning. On the ride home I kept thinking "I am getting to old for this shit." LOL I was home, showered and in bed by 12:30 ... yes ... sad ... I know. But like I said I am getting to old for this ...

I slept until noon on Saturady. I would have stayed there a lot longer but I had to work Saturday night and thought I better get up and at least have some lunch before going in. I was tired all night at work. When I got home the hubby and I watched a little TV and ate the McDonalds I picked up on the way home. But I was again in bed around midnight.

The hubby only let me sleep in until about 10am today. Again I would have slept a lot longer but he had things he wanted to do. Plus I wanted to spend some time with him before heading into work again. I was dead tired and had to drink a Red Bull just to keep me going. Now it is 11:30pm and I am totally pooped out. I am thinking bed sounds like a wonderful wonderful wonderful thing. My back hurts from this broken down chair. So my nice, soft, cushy bed keeps sounding better and better.

I don't know what my deal is. I am dead tired all weekend. I can't wait to go to bed and I dread getting back out of it in the morning. *sigh* Plus my boobs are killing me right now. Don't get any wild ideas. I don't hold out much hope these days. A pretty little positive pregnancy test for Christmas would be nice. But I am not about to hold my breath. I guess we will see if AF shows this week or not. I think I am going to bed now ... before I fall asleep in this not at all comfortable chair. he he he ....

Having a hard time again.

I have been having trouble dealing with my miscarriage again. It's been almost a year since we lost the baby. I have actually been doing pretty well for the last few months. I made it past my due date with out to much trouble and I was feeling pretty good. But the closer we get to Christmas and the 1 year anniversary of losing our baby the harder it gets for me again.

I am not really looking forward to Christmas. It is always an argument every year with my ex on who gets my son and when. So that makes me stress out every year. Then we had our pictures taken for our Christmas card. I couldn't stop thinking about how there should be 4 of us in the picture and there were only 3 people. This should be our baby's first Christmas but he/she is not here to celebrate it. I feel angry and frustrated and just plain sad.

January 13th is the 1 year anniversary of losing our baby. I can't stop thinking about how I was pregnant at this time last year. We were so excited. We had so much fun telling every one. All those months of TTC and all the poking and prodding from the fertility tests had finally paid off. We were so happy and excited. Now this year our baby is gone and we still have had no luck with TTC again.

I have had another baby boom around me again. Of course I am very excited for those who are pregnant. They worked hard and have been through plenty of pain too. But it is getting hard to suck it up, put a smile on and congratulate yet another person on their BFP. And as a CL of a TTC board I really don't have a choice sometimes. I don't really feel like I can vent to the ladies like I used to.

I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated. Nobody seems interested in listening. They change the subject or look uncomfortable. Finally I just gave up trying with most people. Ethan doesn't want to dwell on the bad and only look towards the future. So he makes me feel like a complete idiot for still grieving. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad. And I know he hurts too. But sometimes it feels like nobody cares.

I don't want to feel bad anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be excited about Christmas. But then sometimes I think I should just let myself feel these things and cry it out so I can get over it. Get on with my life again. I am sick of no one understanding. I mentioned to DH tonight about going to talk to a counsellor or something. It may get better after the holidays and the 1 year anniversary. If not I will definitely go to see some one. Anyway I just felt the need to complain and vent and write it all out. It does help a little bit.