Wife & Mama Hen

Not yet a go

2011-05-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

1 ... 2 ... wait ... what ... I haven't made it to 3 yet ... I didn't even get to say go!?!?!

As usual life got in the way and I didn't get started on my FlyLady project. In my defense it was the baby and not my laziness. The baby is teething ... again. And when he teethes it is brutal! He seems to be doing better this morning. Now if only he would let me look inside his mouth to see if those darn canine teeth finally broke through. Or if I should just keep a steady stream of ibuprofen in him. LOL

Tomorrow I am off to my new job for my first day on the floor. So I guess we will see how much I can get done before it is time to head to work. Unless the baby is not well again. Then I will spend the morning in the chair being drooled on ... again.

Gonna try to fly!

2011-05-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

I am going to try to fly again. No I don't mean in a plane or anything. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get up the nerve to drive a car?!

I am going to try the FlyLady plan ... again. I started it once a very long time ago. I did well for a couple of weeks. I don't really remember why it fell apart and I stopped doing it. But I am on it again. I have the book on my Kindle. (My new favorite way to read) For those of you who don't know what I am talking about I will clue you in a little bit. Because I only remember a little bit. LOL

Basically my house is out of control and we need to get organized and clean. It is hard to do with a very high energy almost toddler crawling around and getting into EVERYTHING! Plus with all my former work drama I just have not had the time, energy, interest or mental stamina to get anything done around here.

So we are now living in what the FlyLady calls CHAOS. Which means "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome". Live there? I am the queen of there! And with a little Mr. somebody closing in on his first birthday I can't even begin to think about having people here for his party. Not that I have his party planned yet. Because I have no idea what weekend I am working!

So anyway I am at it again. I am hoping it will help get us organized, the house clean, a better level of baby-proofing and the opportunity to have friends and family over when ever we want. With out scrambling to pick the dirty underwear off the bathroom floor before some one has to pee. Plus it is just nice to sleep in a sweet smelling house with out fear of tripping over a toy that will kill you on your way to a midnight tinkle.

If you are interested in learning how to fly here is a link to the website.
http://www.flylady.net/

I also recommend her book Sink Reflections. It is a great resource when you need to make a quick check to make sure you are on goal and you don't want to boot up the computer. You can get both a hard copy or ebook style. Like I said I am enjoying mine on my Kindle.

Moving on up!

2011-05-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

At least I hope I moved up in the world. LOL Yesterday was my last day at the job I held for 8 years. It was a good job .... once upon a time. I used to love what I did. But situations change. Good staff leave. Crappy staff show up and DON'T LEAVE. You but heads with your boss. The perks that used to make the job worth doing have been taken away. It's not because I didn't love the actual job. I just couldn't stay where I wasn't happy. I don't want clean house. I don't want to wash dishes. I don't want to wash clothes. If they aren't in my house from my family I don't want to clean up the messes. I want to take care of people. So it was time to move on.

I thought I would feel more last night. Some intense feeling of sadness or joy. But I didn't really feel anything. I don't know if it has not hit me yet. Or maybe because I have had one foot out the door since my maternity leave it just doesn't upset me like I thought it would. I am still on call and can work when ever I want. So I am not totally gone. I just kind of feel meh.

I am nervous for the new job. Mostly because it is new and change is hard. I worry I won't like it or won't be good at it. I am sure these are feelings we all go through when starting a new job. It just has been so long since I had a new job I don't remember anymore! LOL So hopefully this will be a positive change.

Dental Anxiety

2011-04-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

I made it through another dentist appointment. I have had a lot lately. I have crappy teeth. Today they finished up the root canal that was started 2 weeks ago. The tooth has been filled now and eventually I will need a crown. But for now it is good to go.

I don't usually have problems with anxiety when it comes to the dentist. Unless you count the anxiety that comes with paying the bill! LOL But the last couple of things I have had done have required a lot of Novocaine to thoroughly numb me up to do the work that I needed. The only pain I feel is those stupid needles and a mild soreness in my jaw when all is said and done.

The hard part for me has been the numbness. This would be why I used to have my fillings done with out Novocaine. My tongue and pretty much the entire side of my mouth goes numb. Which is good of course. But I start to have problems with swallowing. I can swallow but it feels like I can't move my tongue, lips and cheek. Sometimes it feels like my tongue falls back and I can't pull it forward to either swallow or to breath. I know logically that I am fine. But I start to panic. The longer it takes for me to move my tongue the more I panic. Then of course it takes me a bit to get myself settled back down.

Anxiety is hard enough to deal with in private. But it is insane when you have two people hovering over you with their fingers in your mouth. Part of me wants to sit up and hyperventilate a bit. But most of me just wants to hang on and get through it. Because if I ask them to stop I have two problems. First of all I have to try and explain to them that I am not in pain but am instead having a panic attack. And second it would just make things take that much longer to finish up so I can get out of there.

So I did my best to suck it up and get through. I focused on the writing on the center piece of the light above me. I did my deep breathing. Which was difficult at one point when the rubber thingy got pushed to high and covered my nose just has I was breathing in. I repeated to myself over and over again in my head that I was fine. I could breath. I could swallow. I just needed to stay calm. My jaw did not hurt from going ahhhhhhhhhhhh for what felt like forever. (Yeah right! It was totally killing me!) It only took an hour to do the work. My dentist admitted that it was more difficult than he had thought it would be. (It is difficult to push away the panic when you can see your dentist shaking his head as he works.) But I got through it.

I am home now. The baby is sleeping. The numbness has worn off. I think I can finally have some lunch. WOOT WOOT! I am starving. And I am happy to be able to say I conquered yet another anxiety threat and avoided a full on panic attack. I still struggle from time to time but I have the tools and I am getting better. And I have been able to do it with out medication which means a lot to me. I am happy for that.

So who is right?

2011-03-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling ... a lot lately with some people. I will not name any names. One I don't want to get myself in any trouble. Two I don't want to offend or upset anyone. Three I know that I am not always right and not every one shares my views. But I just feel like I have to put it out there.

I have been noticing more and more people around me having a "holier than thou" attitude. They believe that either their way of thinking or just themselves in general are some how better then anyone else. I am right and you are wrong. It's my way or the highway. Believe what I believe or be condemned. Because I say so, the book I read says so, the "expert" I talked to says so or what ever their reasoning is. They feel the need to not only say they are "right" but to then shove it down your throat. And if you don't agree with them they then pull out some sort of guilt trip fitting to the particular situation. The most annoying part is you can not reason with them. They are right because they say they are. They are unwilling to admit that maybe ... just maybe ... despite everything they have been told maybe they are wrong.

Now I have no problem with people feeling strongly about what they believe in. That is what makes us unique. That is what drives us to not only just get by but to do better for ourselves, our family and our community. But people need to get a grip. Believe what ever it is that rings true in your heart and in your soul. Be strong in it and be happy. But remember that not every one has chosen the same path in work, religion, parenting, marriage and every other aspect of life. There is no right or wrong. Do not judge. Do not bully. Do not act as if you know best. Do not put down others who do not share your view.

Be supportive. Be nonjudgmental. Be open to discussion. Be open to being wrong. But most importantly be respectful. Everybody deserves love and respect no matter how much you disagree with them. And if some one does or says something nice for you don't point out what you believe to be their flaws! That is not a thank you!

I know that I am not always right. I am willing to admit that no matter how strong I am in my beliefs I might be wrong. I might not be doing the right thing. But I am honest in my own truth. I am happy with the choices I have made. I am secure in my faith. I love my family above all others. And those things make me happy.

Crotcheting fool!

2011-01-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

I recently taught myself to crotchet. I am not great at it. Basically if it is flat I can make it. A lot of blankets in my future! So far I made scarves for my mother and my mother in law for Christmas. A blue one for my mom. A purple one for my mother in law. I forgot to take pictures of them before wrapping them up. So I have no pics to show of my hard work. Sad day.

I was attempting to make baby gifts for a few coworkers who are due in like a couple of weeks. But I got caught up in making the scarves. Then my attempt at making a little lovey some how turned into a ball. Don't ask me how. I have no idea. But once it got into a half ball shape I just went with it. I have stuffing left over from when I made Miss Norma her high school pillows. So I stuffed my creation. And now Wyatt has a small fluffy ball to play with. Oooops!

I made myself a cell phone pouch. Miss Norma saw it and like it so I made her one too. It is red, white and blue. Because when you are talking about the two of us what other colors are there? I put a little button on hers. A design flaw of my own pouch. One I will have to figure out some how.

I had left over pink yarn from the pouch. Not enough to make a scarf. To much to just let sitting around. So I made myself a head band/ ear warmer type thingy. It is super warm and I actually look forward to getting to wear it. God knows it will be cold enough this week. -20 degrees below zero. UGH!

I am back to working on Wyatt's blanket which was one of my first things I started to make. And when I am done with that I will get started on the red, white and blue blanket I am making for the living room. I am excited! I have no idea when I will have time to do other crafts like making the curtains for the bathroom. Or finishing the scrapbooks. Wyatt is getting old fast and I am having trouble keeping up.

Why do people always end up hovering over my should when I write? Go finish your chores Bryan!

Anyway back to pumping and creating things for myself and my loved ones!

3 year angel anniversary

2011-01-13T06:23:00.001-08:00

Today is our 3 year angel anniversary. I can not believe it has already been 3 years since I miscarried. It is one of those things that seems like it happened just yesterday and an entire life time ago all at the same time. We had tried so hard for 2 years to get pregnant. We were so happy and excited to finally be having our first child together. We had shared the wonderful news with all of our family and friends.

But shortly after sharing the news cramping and spotting began. The doctor told me to lay down, rest and drink lots of water. Hoping that was all I needed to do to stop what I knew was happening I spent a few days in bed trying to rest. But it did no good. Our baby had no heart beat on the ultrasound. 3 years ago today the contractions started and we lost our child ... our dream ... a member of our family who we already loved more then life itself.

I wish I knew then what I know now. It would not have cut the pain. I lost a child. My baby died and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing makes that better. But at least if I had known 3 years later I would have an amazing baby boy to hold and love I would have had hope. Back then I had very little hope.

Every holiday is at least a little difficult because I know we are missing a family member. I look at Bob and my heart aches for the baby who should be his age. The child who should be a big brother or sister right now. But then I look at my boys and I am grateful. I am grateful that I had the strength to make the choice to keep and raise Bryan. Despite all that has happened I have never for a single second regretted my decision to parent. I am grateful for the gift of experiencing pregnancy, birth and raising a child with my wonderful loving husband. Something I was worried I would never get to experience. I am grateful for this beautiful, high energy and extremely happy baby boy. Wyatt is every thing I dreamed off. He is everything I thought I lost that day. He is my light. He is my hope. He is my joy. I am grateful for my husband and my sons and my sweet angel baby in heaven looking down on us. We love you and we miss you every single day. You are never forgotten angel. Until we meet again we love you.

I want babies!

2011-01-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

We have very sadly been dwindling in our animals. All but one cat is gone. Poor little Grill Daddy is all alone out there. He is sweet and fluffy but he can't make more cats by himself. Something has been eating my chickens again. It leaves nothing but feathers behind. Sets off the traps but doesn't actually get trapped. UGH!

So this spring I am hoping (fingers crossed) that we can have a baby rush. If you have a female cat/kitten that needs a good home I have a barn aching for furry friends. Grill Daddy needs some one to snuggle with.

I am thinking about putting up a fence again and going hog wild on the chicks. I love the reds that I bought a few years back. They are huge and a beautiful rusty red color. Good hearty birds for the insanely cold winters here. I always suck at picking out the hens though. So we typically end up with 8 billion roosters and 3 hens. So maybe I will just get a couple dozen and hope that this time we get more ladies. But I will not travel down the duck road again. That was just sad. Apparently ducks are very tasty. Grrrrr

So hopefully I will find the time to build a fence and care for chicks this year. I also hope to get back out into the garden. Still not sure I will keep the baby out of trouble while I do all this though. Pretty sure he will be into something he shouldn't be in two seconds flat. He is really good at that.

I can't believe it's been 7 years.

2010-08-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

7 years ago today my high school sweetheart passed away. I hate to admit that I actually forgot what today was. Then I saw a post from a high school friend. It was like being kicked in the gut. My breath was literally taken away. How could I forget? I feel awful. His death was one of the hardest moments of my life. I had never lost anyone important before. I didn't know how to handle it. I am still not sure I do.

The hardest thing for me and what makes me the saddest is not what I am missing but what he is missing. We had dreams. A house, marriage and children. I have all those things. I love where I live. I love where I raise my family. I have a husband who I love more then words. Who makes me happy and who is making all of my dreams come true. I have two handsome boys who mean everything to me. I hold my baby in my arms and feel the amazing joy of being a parent. I guess I still feel guilty that I have everything that he should have had the opportunity to have. I get to live and love and be happy. All things that I wanted for him but he can't have. I guess it is the guilt that makes me sad on this day every year.

I take comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering. He is in heaven with God. What could be better then that? I know that he is always with those of us who cared for him. I remember that every time it rains. I know that when we all are done here and make our way back home he will be there waiting for each one of us.

One seriously nasty sinus infection

2010-08-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I have one seriously nasty sinus infection. Wednesday night I felt kinda crummy at work. I had a sore throat and a runny nose. No big deal.

I woke up Thursday morning and my throat felt much better but my left sinus hurt. I was tired and feeling a little crummy Thursday after supper so I laid down for a nap. When I woke up 2 hours later my sinus hurt more and had started to swell a little bit. Pretty normal symptoms for me when I get a sinus infection. I decided to put going to the doctor off until Friday after Ethan got home from work. I figured either it would get better because it was not a sinus infection and I wouldn't need to go in. Or it would get worse and I would have a leg to stand on about the pain and swelling so they wouldn't send me home or something.

Friday morning I woke up and could tell my face was more swollen. When I tried to look down while changing Wyatt's diaper I could see more of my cheek then I could of Wyatt. LOL I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror and was shocked at what I saw. My entire left cheek was swollen, red and warm to the touch. It looked like some one had clocked me right up side my face. I did my best to bring the swelling down on my own during the day. I tried acetaminophen, ibuprofen, an antihistamine, a cold pack, a warm pack, every thing I could think of. But the swelling just got worse as the day went on. So when Ethan got home from work I decided to go to one of the Fastcare clinics to have it checked out.

The nurse walked me back and we sat down so she could talk to me. She almost fell out of her seat. There was an instant look of concern that was mildly unnerving to be honest. She asked me a bunch of questions and then had me get on the table to examine me. The whole time she kept going back and forth on whether she should give me something or just send me straight tot he ER. She palpated my cheeks (OUCH!) and looked inside my mouth and checked my eyes. The nurse decided that I had a sinus infection that had abscessed into my left cheek. She said thankfully it had abscessed forward into my cheek and not backward into ... well my brain. *shiver* She said the main reason the treat sinus infections is because they can turn into brain abscesses and a brain abscess if bad enough can lead to brain damage. Now she almost had to pick me up off the floor. I just thought I had a nasty sinus infection. No big deal. I had no idea how serious it really could be. Scary stuff!

The nurse gave me a very strong antibiotic. Thankfully it is safe to take while breastfeeding so I won't have to supplement with formula at all and I won't have to pump and dump. She instructed me to take 800mg of ibuprofen along with the antibiotic twice a day for 10 days. The swelling should go down in 24 hours after the first pill. She said I should be feeling much better by Sunday. If the swelling does not go down, if it gets worse, if I have any eye pain, if I have an vision disturbance, if Ethan notices my pupil dilating and not reacting to light or if I become more fatigued and Ethan can't get me out of bed then I need to immediately go to the ER. She said I have a very serious infection and she is very concerned about it getting worse. Brain damage is nothing to take lightly. I obviously agreed with her on that one.

Hopefully the antibiotic will help, the swelling will go down and I will feel better soon. I really had no idea how dangerous a sinus infection could be. Why doesn't any one ever tell you this? I would have gone in much earlier today if I had known that. I am sure every thing will be fine. Fingers crossed that every thing is better soon.

You know there is a side door right?

2010-03-04T20:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I opened the outside door to the chicken coop for the birds. It has been closed all winter because of the weather. It has been bitter cold and very snowy. So we have kept the outside door closed and opened the side door instead. It is inside the barn so there is less of a draft but they still have access to get in and out. The outside door to the whole barn has a split level door. We keep the top part open so the birds and cats can get in and out as needed.

So I open the door yesterday and the ducks come RUNNING outside. It was as if they had been locked up all winter long. Like they had been prisoners of the barn. FREE FREE WE ARE FREE! HA HA HA They ran around and around gobbling up water from any and every puddle they could find. They were slipping and sliding due to the ice that was still in some places. It was funny to watch. I love watching the ducks. They put on a very interesting show.

Then it dawned on me maybe they didn't know the side door was open. I don't think I ever saw them leave the coop during the winter. They are interesting but not always the smartest birds in the coop. So maybe they actually thought they were trapped inside. LOL Pretty birds ... such pretty birds ... not exactly smart but pretty! Now go make me babies!

Is it spring yet?

2010-01-25T12:51:00.000-08:00

I am getting antsy. I am sick of winter. It is cold and snowy and full of ice. YUCK! I want so badly to get back out into the garden. My first year was interesting. Not as successful as I would have liked it to be. But we live and we learn. I know what things I want to grow again this year. And what things I want to avoid. I have also learned that spacing the growth of the veggies is important. I don't mean space so much as I mean time. It would be super easy to just toss some seed at the ground and wait for it to grow. But that means I have nothing all spring and far to much to eat before it goes bad in the fall.

SPRING:

FALL:

It was sad to see a lot of my harvest go to waste. How ever the ducks and chickens ate well.

Also spring brings babies!!!

This little one will have to wait until summer though. The bun needs to stay in the oven until he/she is done baking.

Thankfully it will be early summer though. I look forward to having my June Jitter Bug outside with me while I play in the dirt.

2 year angel anniversary

2010-01-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

Wednesday January 13 is our 2 year angel anniversary. We lost our baby at 8 weeks. We still miss our angel every single day. But we are so very thankful that God has given us a second opportunity at a healthy baby. We are so very blessed.

Hello Stranger

2010-01-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

I have a new little buddy. I discovered him this morning. It is frigid cold here. It's noon and the high so far has been 5 degrees out. Last night it was -17 below! Sometimes I hate winter. I dream of a time when we can afford a winter home in Las Vegas. But for now we live with the crazy cold.

I got up early this morning to do chores. I needed to do a head count. And with the boy gone for the last week it has been up to me to cover his chores. So I dug up something for the cats to eat. We ran out of cat food and I have been working the last few days. And with the holiday stores were closed. So the cats had to eat dog food today. I will let you know if they start barking or lifting their legs to pee. The cats got dog food and the birds got corn. I made sure the heated water dishes were filled with liquid and not solid chunks of ice. I had decided to hook up the old heating lamp. I usually only use it for the new babies in the spring to keep them warm until they are bigger and the weather is warmer. But it is again frigid cold and it looks like it will be that way for at least another week. So I shut the outside barn door to help keep the heat in and the wind out but still left the inside bar door open so they could come and go as needed. The chickens like to get out and wander around. The opposite of the ducks to would stay super glued to the inside of the chicken coop until it got warm enough to rain again. So every thing was shut up and I turned on the heating lamp. And it started smoking. UGH! So I unplugged the stupid thing and scraped the dried on chicken poop and hay off the hood. I plugged it back in and turned it back on. Thankfully this time it did not smoke. I feel much better now. I know that they are all still safe and made it through the night ... and at least semi warm.

I left the chicken coop through the inside barn door. I heard a ruffling coming from the rafters above my head. The chickens had high tailed it into the barn when I went into the chicken coop. I looked up half expecting one of my perdy reds to be hanging out up there. But when I looked up I didn't see anything. Just as I gave up and started to walk away I heard a VERY loud and boisterous crow. I looked up again and this time I saw this little guy ...

Where in the heck did he come from?! I have Barred Rock hens that are either completely black or striped black and white. I have some random roosters that were here when I moved in a decade ago. OK they are actually the decedents of the big dog daddy that ruled the farm when I moved in. But they look very much like their father. Last spring I got 6 Rhode Island Reds. They are very large and a deep beautiful rust color. They are gorgeous and I love them. I am thinkng of getting more in the spring. So this tiny little grey silky looking guy was a surprise. I know that I have never raised any man so tiny and so darn cute! He was tiny but he had a crow on him that put the rest of the roosters to shame! LOL

He is probably one of the neighbors roosters. We live close enough to our neighbors that we tend to interchange animals here and there. I hate guineas but some how those loud annoying buggers always end up in front of my window during the summer. We often get cats that are not ours hanging around my little ladies. That is how we ended up with Hunter Jr. So I am sure this little fellow wandered to far from the flock and ended up in our chicken coop last night. At least the big reds didn't tear him up for being in their house. But then with that crow I don't think I would mess with him either. Us little guys/girls are scrappy!!!

14 weeks

2009-12-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

Wrong blog! Oh well!

Family Christmas Party 2009

2009-12-20T14:34:00.000-08:00

I got to enjoy a lovely afternoon today with my family. We used to all get together on Christmas day but it got to be a bit much for my aunt and uncle to host every single year. Which is completely understandable. So every year a different kid hosts the party. This year was my mother's year. It was great to see my family and chit chat for a while. Everybody's kids get so big so fast. Bryan was not the oldest but he was pretty close to being the tallest. If you don't count the teenage boys in the family he toward over every one else. Especially his great grandma Melba (little old lady sitting in the chair). And he is catching up to his grandma Judy quickly too (lady in blue behind great grandma).

It was a lot of fun. I am glad I got to see every one. But best of all I got to hold my nephew Julian. He was my little snuggle bug. I didn't give him up for hours. Finally he got the munchies and decided it was time to go eat. But until then I held him and tried not to cry. It was hard. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones. Or maybe it is because I love him dearly and wish I could have him in my life every day. Either way or both for a little while today he was all mine.

This weather is great ... if you're a duck

2009-10-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

It has been raining here ... non stop. Oh wait it stopped raining ... long enough to SNOW! UGH! The weather has just been rotten this October. How ever if you are a duck it has been wonderful. The ducks have exited the barn every morning happy as clams. They frolic in the front yard as the rain falls on their heads. They splish splash in the big puddle outside of the cow yard. The meander throw the cow poop with the chickens even though it's cow sludge right now. Happy as clams they are! Until a flock of geese flew over head. I am pretty sure the ducks pooped themselves. It was very loud. Don't get any ideas boys and girls. Winter in MN isn't so bad ... kinda ... sorta ... don't ask Chicken Nugget. He lies I tell you! He lies!

Here kitty kitty kitty

2009-10-17T22:19:00.000-07:00

While I was out taking pics of the duckies today I decided I better take some of the cats. We only have 3 lovely ladies left. I am worried our kitty population will become extinct. None of them had babies this year. So we are getting low and I am getting nervous. But here is who we have left.

This is Frisky.

She is one of the original 6 kittens that were dumped at our farm several years ago now. She ran around and around and around not wanting us to catch her. The other 5 came running right up and seemed happy to be around people again. But not Frisky. Little bugger just kept running. Hence the name Frisky. She was just to freakin frisky that night!

This is Mina.

She is our youngest and sweetest kitty. She makes a great parrot. Until she digs her claws into your shoulder and attempts to crawl onto your head.

This is Macy.

She was also one of the original 6 kittens. We thought for sure she must be from a different litter because of her size. She was just so darn tiny! But I guess she was just meant to be small. She didn't grow much and is still rather pocket sized.

And this is Hunter.

He is not our cat. He belongs to the neighbors. But loves to come down and romance my little ladies. Hunter doesn't much care for us and tends to run as soon as we come with in his rather large bubble. But he does serve a wonderful purpose.

See Hunter is the daddy of our dearly departed Hunter Jr.

He was by far one of the sweetest and most snuggly cats I have ever had.

Hunter was so cute and fluffy and sweet that even Ethan let him in the house from time to time.

How could you resist that fluffy little face?

Sometimes he pushed his luck a bit.

But he was such a good snuggler.

I loved him from the moment he was born.

Coco wanted to mother him constantly.

I am sure he got is personality from his wonderful mother Skittles.

She was just as beautiful and just as sweet.

Sadly our Hunter passed away a few years ago now. But I am pretty sure his daddy has been around the ladies.

I am pretty sure these little buggers belonged to him.

Sadly a raccoon killed Skittles while she attempted to protect those little orange fuzzy angels. It is the sad reality of farm life. But hopefully Hunter will keep wooing the ladies and we will have more baby Hunters in our future. In the mean time I am going to love the kitties I have left.

All grown up!

2009-10-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

The duckies who once were so soft and fuzzy ....

They were so adorable ...

Well the duckies are all grown up now.

Don't they look so hearty and healthy?

They have learned to fly ... but hopefully not away from us.

HEY! NO! I said not away from us! Simmer down now ... simmer down.

They just look so nice. The green heads of the males are absolutely beautiful. These pictures don't even do the shimmering green feathers on the boys heads justice. And how lucky are we to have an even number of boys and girls? I think the duckies are so .....

Dang it Sonny! You just HAD to take a drink from THAT puddle while I was taking pictures didn't you? I think he has been taking lessons from the picture hound.

Who me??? No Mina not you.

I was talking about the little brown one.

Yes you young lady. Don't give me that look ....

Not Allowed

2009-10-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

On Friday my nephew Julian will be born. My sister has informed me that me and my husband are not welcome at the hospital. We will not be allowed to meet our nephew. I went to her baby shower and she told me she didn't know why I went because she had not wanted me there. I told her not to burn bridges that she may never be able to repair. But she has forcefully cut most if not all of my brother in law's family out of their lives. So I suppose it was just a matter of time before she cut her own sister and brother in law out too. It is sad how family feel it is OK to treat people like trash just because they are blood.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

2009-10-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. On January 13, 2008 my husband and I lost our baby. I miscarried naturally in the comfort of our home with my husband and my son. Losing our child was the most devastating thing that has every happened to me and to us as a couple. The loss of a child at any stage and any age is utterly soul crushing. The pain eases but truly never goes away. I am amazed by how just the thought of my angel baby can send me into uncontrollable sobbing fits. From what I hear that never changes. My heart breaks for all the parents out there who have lost a child far to young.

In our lives for a moment but in our hears forever.

Once in my womb but always in my heart

I am a miscarriage survivor.

In loving memory of angel baby Hofschulte. Mommy and daddy miss you every day.

Only little dogs allowed!

2009-09-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

From now on only little dogs are allowed to live in our house. And even then they must wear tiny little diapers with holes for their tails at all times.

OK I am kidding ... sorta. For some reason lately it has been a shit fest in my house. I know that sounds harsh but so is poop clean up at 3 am. When your sick. And bending over to pick the poo up makes your congested and dizzy and almost pass out. Not fun!

I am not OK with tying Bocephus up outside. And once winter comes that will totally not be an option. If I were not afraid of Bo chewing off the leg of any one in the general area then I might just let him run free out side. Like Sonny does and like Patty and Blackie always did. I mean that is one of the benefits of living on a farm right? But I have a huge fear of him attacking the mail man or something. I could buy an out door kennel. But my hubby keeps pooping on that idea. $300 might be a darn good investment verses what ever a ticket costs when your dog goes all Cujo on the UPS guy. But what do I know? *eye roll*

All I know is I am done having dogs in the house. Once Bocephus and Sonny have passed and gone on to doggy heaven I will still have medium/large dogs. But they will be STRICTLY OUT DOOR DOGGERS! Small chihuahuas are still allowed. But they will be kenneled EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!

OK I think I am done complaining about the pooter ... for now.

Awful dreams

2009-09-25T23:23:00.000-07:00

I had the most awful dream the other night. It is still bothering me. I don't remember everything. I often have dreams that I have a baby but have been gone for what ever reason and unable to breast feed. By the time I get back to my baby my milk has dried up and I am robbed of the opportunity to breastfeed. It is a weird dream and happens a lot. So again the other night I have a baby and I have just been "missing" for the first couple of weeks. But in this dream my baby kept dying. I was able to revive the baby every time but when I did the baby would get smaller. Like one time I had swaddled the baby in blankets. I noticed that the blankets were over the baby's face. I pulled the blanket back and of course the baby wasn't breathing again. The fingers and lips had turned blue. I did rescue breathing and the baby came back again. Again the baby had shrank. I tried to breastfeed but the baby was to small to latch on and that was when I realized my milk had dried up again. It was so disturbing to watch my baby die over and over again and then come back to life but smaller. I remember thinking that eventually my baby will get so small that he/she will no longer exist. Such scary dreams.

Sinus Infection

2009-09-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

UGH! I think I am getting a sinus infection. My sinuses having been hurting for the last 2 days I think. I have been taking Tylenol Sinus to help it hurt less and make me less stuffy. But I am thinking more and more that my stupid cold is turning into a sinus infection. I can feel it brewing in there. I will have to break out the nettie pot again and run some salt water through my sinuses a few times. Hopefully that will kill off any bacteria that might be growing in there. I can't forget my vitamin. Gotta keep my immune system up. Especially with the piggie flu at Bryan's school. I just don't need an infection right now. I have already taken the Clomid so it's not like I can cancel this cycle due to illness. OY!

Piggie Flu!!!

2009-09-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh! Tonight on the news, while I was at work, I noticed my son's school was on the news! Apparently there has been confirmed cases of the H1N1 virus! There have been tons of kids who are home sick. The piggie flu is running wild in my child's school. Oh just flippin great.

I have been sick for about a week now. Just a cold. Nothing serious. But unlike SOME people I work with I can not just call in sick. I actually have to find some one to cover my shift before I can stay home sick. Must be nice to be so pampered and favored by the boss lady to never have to cover your shift. ANYWAY I was sick all weekend. I just had to suck it up and suck down the Dayquil. BLAH! I feel mostly better now. A little sniffly still and coughing. But MUCH better then I was over the weekend.

Ethan complained about feeling ill but after a good nights sleep he says he is feeling better. Must also be nice to "get a good nights sleep" and suddenly feel better. UGH! But he said that Bryan had the sniffles. Geez! I am hoping and praying a lot that the sniffles are just the watered down version of what I have. Bryan has always been a healthy kid and fights off nasty bugs much better then I do. Plus since he knocked off his fingernail I have been making sure he takes his vitamin every single morning. So hopefully he will not and is not horribly sick.

So I broke out the cans of Lysol. I have sprayed every thing down. Probably to a fault. I have always had bottles of hand sanitizer around the house. Hand washing and hand sanitizer will be a MUST this flu season. I have a lot more deep cleaning that needs to be done. Break out the bleach!!! I have a small hand sanitizer bottle attached to my belt loop. I put one on his backpack. Hopefully he uses it and stays healthy.

I am going to go take my multi vitamin and try and get some sleep. If I can get the buggies off my brain. I have school in the morning. And to think I thought MY school was the one to worry about ...

Hot flashes suck!

2009-09-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that hot flashes suck? Cause they really really do! A notorious side effect of the Clomid, hot flashes have been making my life miserable all weekend. I am sick so that doesn't help. I have found it interesting how some side effects have become less frequent the more I use the Clomid while others have become more frequent. My moods have been rather stable this time around. Except for Friday night when I almost jumped over the table and strangled my husband's friend. Every time he got louder I just got louder then him. LOL OK I know not very mature of me. Especially not in public. But not overly strange in a bar over a few drinks either. Other then that one out burst I really have not felt overly emotional. The hot flashes are a totally different story how ever. I have been hot flashin up and down this town all weekend long. Friday night Ethan asked me to turn the fan off. Instead of off I turned it to high and then aimed it at the couch where I promptly plopped down and spread out as much as possible. I was hot and sweating like a crazy woman. Maybe 30 minutes later I was freezing and turning the fan off. I can't help it! I am a little crazy these days. Infertility and treatment for infertility will do that to you I guess! HA HA HA

The fat lady sang.

2009-09-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am struggling today. I had a HUGE temp drop yesterday morning. I was sure AF was coming last night. I woke up this morning and my temp was back up, the cramps were gone and I had a tiny bit of hope again. Well all hope is gone. AF showed her ugly face. I am not pregnant. The fertility drugs failed this cycle. I failed this cycle. *sigh* I am angry. Angry at myself and the world and everyone around me getting my dream handed to them while I struggle again and again. Maybe it's not fair. Maybe it is childish. But sometimes I just don't care. I am just so mad. I need to do something. Something has to change ...

I have 2 more rounds of Clomid left. The first round was wasted on a cycle with the cyst I didn't know about. The second one did not get me pregnant. So now I have 2 left. I have picked up the prescription and will start again on Thursday. I hope that it works this time. We still have plenty more options. The Clomid is just option one. So even if the next two rounds of Clomid fail to get me pregnant we still have more steps to take and more drugs to try. *sigh*

Then I started watching the Biggest Loser at work. And now I am watching the rest of it at home. I am tired of being fat. I worry I am hurting my chances of getting pregnant because of my weight or my eating habits or my lack of exercise. I am tired of being tired all the time. I am tired of having trouble to bend over to do simple things like tie my shoes. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Things need to change. I need to change. I need to work harder at everything in my life. My job, my education, my home, being a wife and a mother to the one beautiful child that I do have. Something has to change ... I just don't know where to start ...

Hate the wait.

2009-09-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

I hate waiting. I only have a few more days left until I can test. Ugh! I don't wanna wait! My temp was lower then before but still above the cover line. So it might be good still ... might be bad ... who knows. I could just be having an implantation dip. Or it could be my temps heading down before A shows. Who knows. *sigh* Just a few more days and I will have an answer. I hope it is the good one.

Going crazy already!!!

2009-09-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

I just barely ovulated and I am already going crazy!!! I want to know! I want to test! Which is just plain old silly. It is far to early to test. But OMG I want to know NOW! I want to know if there is an itty bitty baby in there floating around and heading down my tubes into warm uterus land. UGH! I can barely stand it! How am I going to make it through the next 2 weeks??? It seems impossible!!! There is the part of me that says "RELAX! You have taken the Clomid and there is no dang good reason you are not pregnant. Heck you could even be pregnant with twins!" But then of course there is the part of me who is realistic based on the last 3 years off TTC that says "Who the hell are you kidding??? It hasn't happened before. Why would it happen now? You had one chance and you some how blew it! Bitch please! You are NOT going to have a baby this cycle or any cycle for that matter dumb ass!" I try to listen to the first voice. LOL *sigh* OK I will just be over here in the corner just going slowly crazy. Don't mind me.

Good and Bad Day

2009-09-02T08:46:00.001-07:00

I am going to start with the good news because it is great. And the bad news is just a pain in my rear. LOL

So the good news is I am ovulating! Not only am I ovulating but I am doing it at a halfway decent time in my cycle! I am on CD 16 today. My average day of ovulation with out the Clomid was CD 24. So that is an improvement and it means the Clomid is doing what my RE wanted it to do. Hopefully that will improve the quality of my egg and get me good and knocked up. It was so nice this morning to see the +OPK and peak reading on my FM. WOOHOO! I do not work tonight so I even have time for nooky with the hubby! SWEET! Fingers crossed! My CM is a little dryer then normal. But the EWCM is still there. Just not in as vast quantities as in the past. I took some tussin to try and help with that for later tonight. he he he

The bad news is my back is KILLING ME! I woke up and my lower back was so stiff and so sore I could barely move. I am suppose to be in psychology class right now but I can't move. OK I can move but it is at a snails pace and with lots of swearing and heavy breathing. LOL I have no idea what I did. My back felt fine at 6am right before Ethan got up for work. Sometime between 6:30 - 8:30am when I got up for class my back went crazy on me! I took a hot shower/bath and that helped a little bit. I took some Advil and am sitting in the chair playing on the computer now. If it doesn't start feeling better soon I might just go lay back down in bed. I hate missing class but I knew I could not make it in today. I am so glad I don't work. It kind of puts a crimp in my grocery shopping day. But maybe I will feel better later. I am almost tempted to call my aunt and see if she has an opening for a massage today. But then I hate to bug her because she does daycare too. *sigh* I have no idea what I did but I hope I feel better soon. I have so much junk to get done today.

Bubble Bubble Gurggle Gurggle

2009-08-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

I feel the clomid monster bubbling underneath the surface. HA HA HA I woke up this morning with big swollen boobies. Are headaches a side effect? I have had a headache since yesterday afternoon. Kinda sucks. I got a message from a coworker this morning. It sounded a little snotty to me but it may be the clomid talking. I did my darn best not to snip back. But I could feel the crabby in me starting to bubble and fizzle and want to strike out. I managed to keep it in control. My last round of clomid I had an all out brawl on facebook with my little sister. It was nasty but at least for the first time since she was born I was honest with her and told her I was sick of her bull poopy. So it was good and bad. I may need to stay away from the computer this time. HA HA HA OUCH! Laughing makes my boobs hurt!

I was right!

2009-08-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

AF showed while I was at work! WOOT WOOT! Ya I know it is weird to hear me woohooing over getting my period. But like I said it means I get to start a fresh round of Clomid. And after my "spring cleaning" we have a real chance at making a baby this cycle. Hopefully a healthy happy full term baby. I try not to think about the heartbreak of miscarriage during all this fertility treatment stuff. I just think it would be to much. To scary. It is always with me. But I am trying not to focus on it to much.
ANYWAY I discovered that I could reorder the Clomid online. So I ordered it and will pick it up from Walmart on Wednesday. Then Thursday LOOK OUT! HERE WE GO AGAIN! Last time I took this med it lead to an all out Facebook brawl. I might kinda sorta need to stay away from all that this time around. But that is kind of hard to do with my fancy shmacny new Blackberry. Oh well! LOL
So fingers crossed that every thing goes smoothly this cycle and the "spring cleaning" + fertility drugs = me all good and knocked up!

Here she blows?!?!?!?!

2009-08-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

I believe that AF is on her way. WOOHOO! Of course it would have been nice to just POOF and get pregnant right after the surgery. But getting my period means I can start a fresh round of Clomid and hopefully be one step closer to a healthy baby. The doc did her spring cleaning of my insides. Now maybe with a good strong menstrual cycle I will get another good spring cleaning of my lining and hormones and such.

I am cramping pretty bad and started spotting. No actual flow yet but I am sure I am working on it. I am fabulous at getting my period in the middle of work ... and math class for some reason. LOL So I will know in a few hours if I am on to a new cycle. This will be my first natural period since April. I forced a period a few months back. I was unaware of the large cyst holding things up and causing me to not get my period. But it still has been almost 2 months since I have had any bleeding at all. And 4 months since I had a natural period. So this is a good thing. Now I will have to make a pit stop on my way to work to pick up the Clomid. Or maybe I can wait until tomorrow. *shrugs* Either way I will be taking the Clomid again by Thursday! WOOHOO!!!

I guess they were telling the truth.

2009-08-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

Several people told me that almost exactly a week after surgery they felt better. It was just like POOF and they felt normal. After all the fatigue and nausea and pain I didn't think it was possible. How could I feel better in just a week? When I woke up Monday morning I was sure they were liars. I felt horrid! I was tired and my poor tummy was in so much pain I wanted to cry. I took some Advil and did my best to drag through the day. Ethan insisted on McDonald's and insisted even more that I go pick it up. I was on my way home when it happened. I started dancing and singing along to the song on my stereo. By the time I got home I was grooving pretty hard to the music. Ethan laughed hysterically at me as I danced around the kitchen singing Guns N Roses Sweet Child O Mine. He said "Well you MUST be feeling better!" There it was. POOF and I felt better. I didn't even notice that it had happened until Ethan said it out loud. I felt better. I wasn't uber tired and I wasn't in pain. I felt pretty dang good. It's crazy how that happens! I am still a tiny bit sore in the belly button area. And I do still get tired more easily then what is normal for me. But for the most part I feel pretty normal. I am still on lifting restrictions until the end of the month. But at least now I don't fear picking things up. I even feel a hair weird standing around at work while others lift things ... and people ... for me. Anyway I guess they were telling the truth. And boy howdy am I glad they were!

What ... what is this ???

2009-08-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

Well well what is this??? I haven't seen one of these little buggers in about 3 months. I was not overly surprised to see it today. Considering the ridiculous amount of EWCM I have been having lately. But it has been a long bumpy road lately and I was beginning to think I would never see another second line again. Let alone one so nice and dark. Welcome back my +OPK little friend. I have missed you. Now let's go catch that little eggie!

Fabulous side effect

2009-08-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

It just dawned on me today that my headaches are gone! Holy crap! I had been having a LOT of headaches lately. I assumed it was the elevated levels of estrogen from the larger cyst that was causing them. I have awful headaches when ever I am pregnant. So it would make sense to have headaches from the cyst. DING DING DING! I have not had a headache in days. I have been wonderfully brain pain free. I guess my theory was right. How wonderful it is to not hurt ... in my head anyway. My belly button ... now well that is still a very different story.

Crap

2009-08-05T05:18:00.000-07:00

Crap ... I can't poop. Yes the ugly side of surgery and infertility talk has reared it's ugly head. I am constipated. The nurse said this would probably happen. Between the surgery and the Vicodin I was likely to become constipated. She said if I did not have a bowl movement in a couple of days I could start a fiber supplement. I have not pooped since some time on Sunday. Thankfully I have some in the cupboard. So a little tang and benefiber drink for breakfast it is! Hopefully that will get things moving smoothly. And easily cause the thought of pushing scares the shit out of me ... not literally or I wouldn't be writing this post right now. HA HA HA

Surgery Update

2009-08-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

I had surgery on Monday. I am home now and trying to get as much rest as possible. Which is pretty easy considering the Vicodin makes me pretty darn sleepy. The hard part is getting myself up to use the bathroom and forcing myself to eat and drink. My throat hurts and I have no appetite at all. But I have been trying my best to get a little something into me when I take the Vicodin so I don't get sick and puke the meds back up. That would be a sad day. OK so here is how everything happened.

I checked into the clinic at 6am Monday morning. They took me up to a room and I got changed. The nurse came in and asked me hundreds of questions and took all of my vital signs before sending me to pre-op. Where they did everything the first nurse did all over again. HA HA HA At least they are consistent.

The anesthesiologists came and talked to me about what was going to happen and then got me hooked up to an IV. She poked both hands before getting it into my left hand. That hurt so bad. She couldn't numb my hands first because it would make my veins even more difficult to find and she had to poke around to get it in right. So that really stunk.

I was first in line so they rolled me into the operating room and got me all set up. I remember looking at the ceiling and it started to ... vibrate ... that's the best word I have for it. Then I fell asleep.

Next thing I remember was being in recovery moaning and groaning because I was in pain and I felt like puking. They gave me 2 different drugs but I still threw up. Well dry heaved since I didn't have anything in my stomach. It was weird to be aware of my surroundings but not having the energy to even open my eyes. An alarm kept going off saying my oxygen level was getting low. I just kept staring at the blinking orange lights thinking WTH? I am awake and breathing so why is my O2 at 75??? I spent a lot of time in recovery before they sent me back to my room.

I got back to my room around noon. They monitored my O2 level every half hour and as long as it stayed in the 90s range they turned the oxygen down and finally off. I was still very nauseous and couldn't eat so that I could take the pain med. So they gave me a third medicine and that finally worked. But it made me very sleepy which made it difficult to do anything but sleep. I managed to get down some jello and a pepsi before falling asleep. I snoozed off and on until they moved me to another floor around 2pm. I was able to get up and pee finally. The nurse took me for a little stroll around the floor to prove I could walk before going home. I got a little to excited to be out of bed and moving and almost tripped over my own feet. We both laughed and he reminded me to SLOW DOWN. It was not a race around the desk and falling was not going to get me out of there any faster. LOL We went back to my room and my mom and I WAITED FOREVER for a dr to come in and tell me about the surgery and give me the ok to go home. I finally buzzed the nurse and told them I wanted to go home NOW. I didn't care who came in to talk to me.

My dr was still busy but her colleague who was also in the operating room during my surgery came to talk to me. I had never met him before ... at least not to my knowledge anyway .... but he was very nice. He said I had trouble breathing during the surgery and had to be nebbed. I was given an inhaler to use if I needed it at home. He gave me copies of the pictures they took during surgery. I got to see my ovaries and the cysts and my uterus. I thought that was super cool. He said they were able to get both of the cysts out with no damage to the ovary. He showed me the picture of my left normal sized ovary and then the right ovary with the cysts. It was like a top view looking down and it was crazy how much bigger the right ovary looked with those cysts attached. No wonder I had been feeling bloated and achy on that side. He said the cysts had made my right ovary the same size as my uterus!!! CRAZY! There was an adhesion from my c-section. They took care of that while they were in there.

He said my uterus is heart shaped. There are 2 lobes on the top of my uterus. The right lobe is fine but the left lobe is underdeveloped. Which explains why Bryan was stuck in the right side and was breech and was unable to get turned head down. He says it will have no effect on me getting pregnant. My tubes are clear and functioning. Everything looks "hooked up" properly. I find it funny that a doctor said "hooked up" too. LOL Anyway he said a pregnancy will never be able to develop in the left lobe. So when ever I am pregnant they baby will always lean to my right lobe where there is room to grow. If the baby is head down by the time they get "stuck" on the right side then I will be able to try for a VBAC. How ever if another baby gets stuck head up like Bryan did I will have to have a c-section again. There is no way the baby can be turned around with out rupturing my uterus and I am not willing to try and deliver breech and they don't want me to either.

So nothing to weird. I don't have an extra uterus or cervix in there. A little deformed but I will still be able to carry another child to term no problem. Everything has been cleared out and cleaned up. So the next round of Clomid should be a lot more successful then this last one. LOL I go back in 4 weeks for a check up to make sure I have healed well and everything is back on track. The nurse told me nothing in the vagina for 48 hours. I told her the way I was feeling unfortunately for my husband that will NOT be a problem. The nurse and my mother both laughed pretty hard. LOL

I can shower later today if I want be I am holding off until tomorrow. I am to sleepy to stay awake long enough to get a good shower in right now. LOL My throat is killing me! It is swollen and sore and I swear it still tastes like plastic in my mouth! Stupid breathing tube! LOL My entire body aches. I am surprised by that. I can't believe how sore and stiff EVERYTHING is. It's Bryan's birthday and I feel bad he has to help take care of his mommy. But he doesn't seem to mind. I told him we could order some pizza and have birthday cake but I don't feel up to going anywhere. He was happy as long as he could have pizza. HA HA HA I am glad he is so easy to please. OK I am exhausted and the vicodin is kicking in again. So I am going to go prop myself up with pillows and go back to sleep. Thanks to every one for all the well wishes. I appreciate them a lot.

RE Consultation

2009-07-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

I had my consultation with our RE this afternoon. I have good and bad news. But at least now we have a game plan.

She did a very in depth physical examination. I swear she was swimming around in there! LOL I have only one vagina and one cervix. I kinda already knew the vagina thing. LOL But she said she was only able to find one cervix, at least externally. She has gone back to agreeing with my OB from when I had my son. It appears that my uterus is heart shaped. Two lobes but not two separate uteri like she thought. So although I am still a little oddly shaped, I am not doubled up as far as she can see.

The cyst on my left ovary is gone. I did have 4 follicles on my left ovary. But they were there last time and have not grown much in the last 3 weeks. So for right now there is nothing to get excited about. But the two cysts on my right ovary are still there. They have not gotten any larger but they have not gotten any smaller either. She gave me three options.

1. Wait it out for 8 weeks and see what happens.
2. Take birth control pills for 8 weeks and see if the cysts go away.
3. Surgery to remove the cysts.

If options one and two did not end in the cysts dissolving on their own I would have to have surgery to remove them. I decided not to wait 8 more weeks to see what happens. She does not think the first two options would do anything but didn't want to push me into surgery. It was completely my choice. And my hubby's of course. After 3 years of TTC I have lost all sense of patience to wait two more months in HOPES of things getting better. Especially if it would end in me having surgery anyway.

Sooooooooo on Monday morning (August 3) I will be going in for laparoscopy surgery. She will remove the two cysts on my right ovary. Also while she is in there she will take a look around at the anatomy of my uterus. We will find out once and for all what the heck is going on with my uterus! WOOHOO! Thankfully my mother has the day off. She will be able to drop me off, pick me up and watch Bryan for the surgery. I got a coworker to cover my shifts at work next week so I can rest and heal.

While I am not happy that the cysts are still there I am happy that we have a game plan. I am nervous about surgery since I have never been under general anesthesia before. But I look forward to getting rid of the cysts and getting a look at my uterus. She said she will be taking pictures so that I can see what was what in there. I am kind of excited for that! So fingers crossed that all will go well and safely. Hopefully soon we will be back on the fertility treatment road and closer to a healthy baby!

Ultrasound # 2

2009-07-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

I had my second ultrasound this morning. I have no idea what I am looking at so I am just guessing at this point. I have a consult at 2:30pm with our RE. I will find out then what exactly they saw and what is going on and what is going to happen. I will let you guys know more when I know more.

I am pretty sure the cyst on my right ovary is bigger then it was. I don't know for sure yet. But it looked pretty big to me. When she looked at my left ovary I thought I saw 4 small black circles. I don't know if I have more cysts on the left ovary now or if those were follicles. I took an OPK when I got back from the appointment and there are 2 lines. It is still a negative. But there are 2 lines again. So who knows. Maybe those are follies. I can hope right? I guess I will find out in a couple of hours. I think I thought I might have maybe seen 2 cervix. I am not sure. And I am pretty sure there was SOMETHING going on with my uterus ... 2 uteri ... I hate waiting! 2 more hours and I will be back at the RE office to get these answers.

It sucked getting off the elevator today. 5 of us piled out of the elevator. 4 ladies took a right and headed towards obstetrics. Just sad little old me wandered to the left towards the fertility clinic. That really sucked. I choked back a sob. Managed to regain my composure quickly and headed to the desk. *sigh*

But the good news is I didn't wander around the room with no pants on this time! I remembered to take the sheet with me and cover up. However I did forget to flush the toilet after I emptied my bladder before the ultrasound. So she asked me if I had gone. I felt like a dork again! She probably thought I didn't wash my hands either. ICK! It's always something! HA HA HA

I get the feeling it will not be good news ...

2009-07-25T22:08:00.001-07:00

I know I shouldn't get worried. I know I should wait until my ultrasound on Wednesday. But I have a bad feeling that the news is not going to be good. I had been using OPK and my FM in hopes of my cyst going away on it's own. I bought a new saliva scope. I lost my old one. Of course I did ... why would I be able to find it when I want it again. So I switched to using just the scope. I figured if I started to see any ferning I would start the OPK and FM again. Well just for fun today I decided to POAS and see what came up. The OPK was a blaring negative. I had started to get a second line a while ago. But there was definitely only one line today. The test stick for my FM had also started to get a light second line. The one line, which I am pretty sure measures your estrogen, was dark before. But today it was DARK. I have never seen that line that dark. Even when I used one when I was pregnant. Ya I took one for fun when I was pg. It actually told me I was pregnant before an actual HPT did! So anyway it is scary dark. Which I am sure means that my estrogen is WAY high. Which most likely means the cyst has only gotten worse. *sigh* Nothing seems to want to go right anymore! And yes I did actually take an HPT and it was very much negative. This just plain old sucks. Oh and I have a question for anyone who might know. Does elevated estrogen make you dizzy? I have been having dizzy spells since last night. They are getting annoying. Better check my BP and BS and make sure those are both OK too. Gotta find out what is causing the dizzy spells so I can make them go away. Before I fall over. LOL

It was not good news.

2009-07-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

I finally got the call back from my doctor about my blood test and ultrasound results. I knew it was not going to be good when they said my doctor had to talk to me and not just any nurse who had time. I am angry and sad and frustrated and totally overwhelmed right now.

First I have 3 cysts on my ovaries. Two cherry sized cysts. One on my left ovary and one on my right ovary. Those supposedly are no big deal. But there is a golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary. It is fluid filled so they do not think it is cancer. I have to go back to the clinic on July 29th for a follow up ultrasound and visit with my doctor. If the cyst has not burst on it's own by then she will decide if they are going to try to drain it or do surgery to remove it.

The large cyst is producing it's own hormones. The blood test showed that my estrogen levels are 4 times as high as they should be. The estrogen is suppressing my FSH and LH hormones. In other words I will not ovulate until the cyst is gone. There is a small chance that the Clomid will be strong enough to cause the cyst to rupture and then I will ovulate. But it is a very slim chance.

I asked her if the Clomid caused the cysts and she said no. My hormone levels were very high on the day I started the Clomid. She thinks the cyst has been there for a while. That is most likely why I did not ovulate last cycle or get a period on my own. If I get a period before the ultrasound, or after, I can start another round of Clomid. The cysts do not change the course of treatment she has chosen because she thinks it has nothing to do with the fertility drugs. She said a lot of women just get cysts. But we don't know it because most of the time we don't have some one diggin around in there to see it. She said in no way does this mean I have PCOS either. It is not that kind of cyst so I don't need to worry about that path.

I just feel like I wasted a cycle of Clomid. You only get so many and there goes one down the toilet. She told me there is still a chance to save this cycle. I can keep testing with OPKs if I like and let her know if my LH starts to rise. That would mean the cyst has taken care of itself. There is still a chance the Clomid could do the job it was meant to do. But I am just not holding out much hope right now.

But all of that is not even the worst part. Apparently the tech wasn't kidding when she asked about two cervix. My doctor thinks I have a double uterus. She thinks she can see 2 uterus and 2 cervix on the ultrasound. The one on the right is normal and most likely the one I carried my son and probably the other pregnancy in. But there seems to be a smaller, less well formed set on the left side. So part of the reason I am going back on the 29th is so she can have a better look around. She said that if I do in fact have 2 it will not in any way effect my health or my fertility. I would have to have a pap for both cervix but that is it. It doesn't seem to be "hooked up" to anything. It's just sittin there chillen. She will check it out with the ultrasound and do an in depth gyno check at my appointments that day.

I can't help but feel like a freak. I am trying not to think that way. But it is just very weird. She said while it is not normal for the female population in general. It is actually common in her practice. Again nobody notices these things unless there is a problem, like infertility, that makes them do some digging. But I still feel just weird. I am angry and upset that it seems like we are wasting a cycle of Clomid. I am upset that we are facing another set back. I am trying not to lose hope. I know we are no were near the end point of fertility treatment. We still have a long road and a lot of options to have a child of our own together. But right now I just feel chewed up and spit out by all of this. I feel like a total failure for not giving my husband a child of his own. I know how much it means to him and I am just not making it happen. He is fine and healthy. He can have children. I am begining to wonder if I ever will again. I am glad I have Fridy off. I need a day to just be alone and cry and get it all out of my system. This sucks! There is nothing I can do about it right now. That is the worst part for me. I want to do SOMETHING but there is nothing to be done but sit and wait to see what happens. I am tired of doing that. I am tired of all of this.

I am getting tired of waiting.

2009-07-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

I slept in this morning until 11:30am since Bryan is gone for the week. I had a little alone mommy time and I took advantage of it. When I got up I went to check my cell phone. The battery was dead. UGH! I plugged it in and discovered that Bryan had called to let me know he had made it up North with my mother to my Aunt's house safely. No message from the fertility clinic. I called them and told them that I was STILL waiting for my test results from the FSH and Ultrasound. They said my Dr would call after 5pm because she was seeing patients. Well 5 came and went and no phone call. I am so frustrated and angry and sad and just UGH right now. Hopefully on Thursday they will either call me earlier in the day or leave a message on my voicemail. I have to work and will not be able to answer my phone or probably call back before the clinic closes for the day. *sigh* This is getting so annoying. I am half tempted to go down there, park my toosh in their waiting room and just wait until some one, doctor or nurse, to come and read me my test results. But I don't want to be a pain in the you know what. So I wait by the phone ... still ... UGH!

I can't believe I missed it!

2009-07-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was waiting for the phone call from my RE doctor or a nurse about my test results. I waited patiently all day long. Right before 5pm she finally called. Unfortunately my phone never actually rang! It beeped to let me know I had a voice mail. But that was it. Grrrrr! I called her back as soon as I knew that she had called. Which was probably all of 5:01 when I called. But they had already turned off the phones and it went straight to the voice message. So I was unable to call her back and get my test results. I was uber ticked off and very frustrated. I feel better now. I will have to call in the morning when they open. But who knows if some one will call me back right away or if I have to wait until almost 5pm again. AND what if my phone doesn't work right again. UGH!

Ultrasound

2009-07-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

I had my ultrasound today. Just making sure everything is were it is suppose to be and to check my ovarian reserve. I was a nervous wreck but excited. My nerves just got worse in the ultrasound room. It is so frustrating to have them rooting around in there and taking measurements but not saying anything. I have no idea what I was looking at and if it was bad or good. *sigh* So frustrating.

At one point she asked me a few questions. She wanted to know why I had a c-section. I told her Bryan was breech. She asked if anyone had ever told me I had 2 cervix or something. Or something? Be a little more specific woman! No I have never been told I have 2 cervix but I have been told I have a dip at the top of my uterus. That was the reason I needed the c-section. Her response was "Oh! OK then!" Ummm ... so does that make sense to what you are looking at or should I be concerned? Ugh!

When I was done I asked when I would get the results. "You don't have a follow up visit planned?" she says. No ... am I suppose to? UGH! I found out later at the desk that they will call me either later today or tomorrow. The doctor won't read the ultrasound until the end of the day. I should have planned this later in the day. LOL If I didn't have to work I would have done that. Note to self for future reference.

In my nervous daze I did the dumbest thing. I feel like an idiot and a bit of a perv to be honest. HA HA HA So I was asking her how I would get my results and was not paying much attention to what I was doing. I got up, put the sheet down on the exam table and started to head to the bathroom all the while talking to the tech. About halfway to the bathroom it dawned on me that I had no pants on! I was nude from my waist to my socks!!! I ducked into the bathroom quickly and threw my pants on as fast as I could get my legs in them! OMG what is wrong with me? I realize between all the poking and prodding of being a mother and years of gyno appointments and now all the poking and prodding of infertility stuff my modesty level is low. But holy crap! I am blaming the Clomid. Ya ... that's it ... it was a Clomid brain fart ... my hormones are flying all over the place ... I can not be held responsible for my actions! HA HA HA I can't wait to tell Ethan that one. I am sure he will get a kick out of my plus sized naked toosh strolling through the ultrasound room like I own the place. The funniest part was that the tech didn't even seem surprised. LOL Oh this has been a special day.

Quicky Dell Report

2009-07-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

The Wisconsin Dells Duck. We rode one just like this.

Coming back out of the water on the ducks.

The little girl sitting next to us got to drive our duck while we were on the open water of the lake.

Bryan in the pool.

Bryan coming down the water slide.

Ethan and Bryan at Alligator Alley.

Bryan and mom at Alligator Alley.

One of the alligators waiting to be fed.

They had a lot of albino reptiles.

Before we left we stopped at a small hot dog stand that sold chicago style hot dogs. There was a pepper on it. Bryan being the pepper lover that he is just popped it into his mouth. He was unaware that this pepper was a bit hotter then the jalapenos he likes to eat. This is a pic of the face he made for the next 10 minutes while tears streamed down his face and he guzzled that Pepsi.

~~ Clomid ~~ The Rules ~*~

2009-06-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

The Rules!!!

1. Under no circumstances make any important decisions whilst riding the clomid rollercoaster, minstrels versus malteasers should be the biggest decision you should allow yourself to make.

2. Whilst riding this rollercoaster, please keep your hands and feet to yourself, persons found to be punching or kicking others will be asked to leave the theme park by the management.

3. Height restrictions apply. All persons on rollercoaster must be tall enough to reach the choccie biccie tin that your dh may have inadvertantly placed on a high shelf.

4.PLease secure any loose clothing, jewellery or eyewear, as flying into the "clomid rage" part of the ride may cause these to become loose or to fall and the management accepts no responsibility to any damage to personal possesions.

5. Do not operate any machinary whilst partaking of the clomid experience, any tractor/forklift/road rage is not the responsibility of the management

6.Prior to entering this ride, the management recommends all dvd's such as pretty woman, city of angels, pay it forward, and/or any other tear inducing material be removed from your possesion for the duration of the ride.

7. Coldplay/the smiths cd's are strictly prohibited, as are all other musical artists who fall under the genre "music to self harm to".

8.Your husband doesnt understand you now, nor will he understand you whilst on the clomid rollercoaster.Don't expect him to. Always remember, the day a man understands a woman........ we've lost!

9.Men do not find the sight of a positive ovulation predictor pee stick arousing, waving it in his face whilst shouting " get ur kit off i need your love juice!" is not a recognised form of foreplay.

10.This is a scary ride, be brave it won't last forever!!!!

FINALLY!!!

2009-06-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

It has finally happened! After 70 long days of waiting and crying and taking progesterone and dang near pulling my hair out AF has finally arrived! I am finally on to a new cycle. My first cycle using Clomid!!!

I had some cramping and spotting Saturday night at work. Not much but enough to get my hopes up. I was bummed when I woke up Sunday morning. The cramps and spotting had stopped. UGH! I was so mad. But as soon as I got up and started moving around the cramps started again. They have not been to bad. But they are enough to get the ball rolling. I spotted all afternoon Saturday and finally started bleeding after dinner.

I am feeling a lot better now. I was getting so frustrated and feeling very down. My spirits have definitely been lifted. I can't believe I get to start the Clomid on Tuesday! I have waited for so long or this. I am excited and nervous. Right around the time I should hopefully ovulate with the Clomid Bryan will be gone with my mother for a few days and then at his bio-dad's for a few more. So hopefully Ethan and I will have lots and lots of alone time to nooky it up and God willing make a baby!!! Wish us luck!

Run Free!!!

2009-06-26T12:18:00.001-07:00

So this morning I took down one of the panels on the chicken fence. A few of the chicks/ducklings had figured out how to get up and over and out yesterday but were unable to figure out how to get back in. I was able to herd them into the barn with the big chickens last night but not back into the chicken coop. So I decided it was time to set the little buggers free. Let them explore. I am sure they are pretty well homesteaded by now and will know where to come back to at night. Well the ducks took off for the pasture and barely looked back. The chicks how ever came out a few feet. Then they ran back in. Then they came back out and came across the driveway where I was sitting in a chair watching them. Then they went back in. Then they came back out and all 6 chicks stood at my feet looking up at me like "Now what?". HA HA HA Sorry boys and girls you are on your own. The ducks are back. I just heard their laughing ... I mean quacking outside the window. Why does it sound like they are laughing at me when they quack? Here are a few pics so you can see how big they have all gotten.

A couple before and after shots.

The ghosts are getting creative.

2009-06-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

I think most people are well aware of the ghosts in my house. Most every one will admit to a creepy feeling here or there through out our house. I flat out refuse to go into the basement at night. Mainly because the dogs flat out refuse to come down with me. If they don't wanna go down there then it can't be good.

Well our dear little ghosties have gotten creative now. They are building pop can pyramids!

I don't know how it got there or why. It is in the very back of the basement in the farthest room. The old furnace and fuel tank are back there. We have a newer corn burning furnace now. So we are very rarely in that room. They hubby went back there yesterday to change the filters because the newer furnace still filters air through there. That was what he found. We have no idea who did it or when. No one wants to claim responsibility. It sure as poo was not me cause I don't go in that room unless I absolutely MUST go back there. Like to take that picture. There is just something about an old stone walled basement that is creepy as SIN!

My First Harvest

2009-06-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

My first harvest from my garden was a success! I had 3 big bags full!

Nummy organic radishes.

Big green organic spinach.

I pulled a carrot. But as you can see they are not ready to be picked yet. It still tasted good even if it is tiny.

I can't wait to pick more!

Ducklings and Chicks

2009-06-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

They grow up so fast! The ducklings and chicks have been with us for almost 2 months now. They went from small and fuzzy to medium and feathery. And LOUD! OY can those ducks quack now! They mean buisness and have no problems letting you know that. So here are a few pics I took this morning of them. See how they have grown ...

AF Update

2009-06-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

I wish there was more to update about in this update. UGH! I am now 4 days post progesterone. I have been cramping off and on. Just when I start to feel like the cramps mean buisness and AF is about to begin the cramps just ... DISAPPEAR ... it is very frustrating. I hate cramps but if it gets the job done then DO IT!

I of course am still very frustrated. I am tired and worn down. I want my body to just let it go. I want to move on to the next step of this crazy infertility ladder. That is hard to do when your body refuses to cooperate. It is very tiring.

I will just have to keep praying and waiting. It's all I can really do right now. OK God we are ready. Next step please. I KNOW that it will happen when it is suppose to. I KNOW that God will provide a healthy child for us some day. I have faith in that and in God. But sometimes it is hard to be patient. I know that he is listening and telling me just to BREATH because it will come. I just hope my version of soon and God's version of soon are at least some what the same.

Fingers crossed and legs wide open!

Happy Birthday!

2009-06-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

Today was my MIL's birthday. We got a very lovely cake with pink roses on it. We had them write Happy Birthday and her name on it. She seemed very happy when I dropped the cake, cards and Bryan off today before heading to work. I am glad it made her happy. I was so touched when she got me a birthday cake for my birthday when no one else did. We have been getting alone wonderfully lately. I really enjoy my time chatting with her now. She understands a lot of the stressers in my life right now and doesn't mind talking to me about it. It is making for a very wonderful relationship between us. I am grateful for that more and more every day. I am glad I can be one of those ladies who actually gets alone with her MIL.

TAP TAP TAP ... any time now ...

2009-06-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

I am very patiently ... he he he ... ya right patiently waiting for my period to come. I was given 10 days of progesterone to force a period. The last pill was Thursday. Last time I took this med for this very same job it took 3 days after the last pill for AF to show. However that was the 5 day treatment. And they say it could take up to 2 weeks for AF to come. And it is not a garuntee that you will get your period. *sigh* I hate waiting and even more I hate not being able to plan things. We are going on vacation soon. I hope we will not have to attempt to concieve our first child together with his/her big brother asleep in the hotel room while we take a "shower" ... kinda creepy but I am not wasting a round of Clomid. I will get that boy his own good gosh darn room if need be!!!! LOL So we wait ... again ... some more ... *sigh* ... if nothing else I am getting a HUGE lesson in patience from God when it comes to having another child. OK God ... I think 3 years is good. Let's get on with the show now please! Thank you ... come again ...

Exhuasting

2009-06-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am not gonna go into much detail. I am just tired and frustrated and just emotionally worn down. Why when you just want to be left alone every one jumps all over you? And when you don't wanna play along they make you out to be the bad guy? I need my piece and quit so I can rest and relax and heal. I just wanna be left alone.

Graduation time!

2009-06-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

My boy is getting old! Which makes me old. Never mind! He is still YOUNG! Young I tell you! LOL OK so he is getting older. Bryan had his 5th grade graduation today. Tomorrow is his last day of elementary school. They had a wonderful ceremony for the kids. Bryan even had to sing.

Congrats to the Riverside students!

He accepted his certificate from his teacher.

Bryan with his certificate.

Bryan with his 5th grade and favorite teacher.

She really has been wonderful. I love all the potential she sees in Bryan and how wonderfully she expresses it.

I admit ... I cried. My boy is putting a big chunk of his life behind him. It is hard to believe. It went so fast. I wonder if the next 10 years will go by this quickly? Probably faster. I am going to be a blubbering mess by the time his high school graduation rolls around!!!

cramps ... cramps and ... well nothing else

2009-06-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

I have cramps hardcore today. I am hoping that it is for a good reason. I hope my period comes today. I mean really? Cramps are so not worth the pain if there is no period. I am so tired of this waiting game. I just want to get my period and start the clomid. It is hard to sit back and let nature take it's course. Maybe I should call my RE and ask for something to jump start AF. I don't know. I don't know what I should do or what the right answer is. That is one of the hardest parts of infertility. You have no idea what is the right answer or what is going to get you pregnant. Fingers crossed and legs wide open. LOL Other then that and prayer I don't know how else to get through all of this. *sigh* I hope I get some kind of answer soon.

No patience

2009-05-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have no friggin patience. I will admit it. I am waiting for my period to show. I want to start the clomid already! I want to get this show on the road! UGH! I am so frustrated. I hate stupid people. They should be smacked clean upside the head. I want my period. I feel like a whiney little baby. But I just don't give a shit right now!!! AF ... get your ass here NOW! I am sick of the off again on again cramping and spotting. Just let it flow!!!!

For all the infertile ladies ...

2009-05-27T10:31:00.001-07:00

Here is a little something for those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant. And feel like choking the smug pain the butt preggos that seem to swarm around us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8

More around the farm

2009-05-26T12:21:00.001-07:00

I worked hard on Sunday. Sadly I am paying for it with a horrible sunburn. But here are some pics of all my hard work ... that led to my horrid pain!!!!
This is my Laura flower. My friend gave it to me for my birthday. It is not much now. But it will be a big bush with beautiful purple flowers eventually.

My pretty Memorial Day decorations ... they will probably be up the rest of the summer.

Ethan's peppers all nice and trimmed up and ready to grow.

My green beans on the left and snow peas on the right. The peas are HUGE. Not that is a race or anything. But if it was the peas would be kicking the beans butts.

My pretty butterfly in the garden.

My garden is finally completely planted. Hence the horrid sunburn.

Lilacs from one of our bushes. Lilacs are by far my favorite flower. They smell so wonderful.

By the way ...

I just need to remember the suntan lotion from now on.

I am broken ... and it hurts

2009-05-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen that blinkie? I have seen it under infertility blinkie searches and on some of the message boards. Now it feels so much more real. We know that Ethan is ok. Morphology was a hair low. But when you have billions and billions of little spermies swimming around in there it just really doesn't matter. SO the problem is me. I am broken. Fertile mertile has dried up. The girl who once lost her virginity and got knocked up in the same breath can seem to get a baby in the belly to save her life. Go ahead ... dip me in sperm from head to toe ... it won't help if the dang egg takes until Christmas to come out! And then when she finally makes her "fashionabley late" entrance she is as roughed up as a $10 hooker! OY! I have no problem saying "we" are infertile. I have trouble saying "I" am infertile. Cause BAM the blame goes straight to me. It's my fault he is not a daddy yet. He thought he had a sure thing but that went straight to hell some where down the last 10 year road. So I am broken ... it hurts ... and it hurts even more to say out loud. But I am working on it. Time to own up and be an adult. Somebody get my big girl panties out!

Time to get real.

2009-05-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

So I have gone round and round about this. I think I have finally made my decision. I want to keep it as real as possible. Ya ya there I go being corny again ... I am good at it! I should teach a class. Anyway .... I am good at keeping it real about being a mommy and a wife and living on a farm. I have touched a bit here and there on our struggle with miscarriage. But I had to take time to really think about infertility. Did I really want to put myself out there? Did I really want to share all of our heartache? Should I keep it all private? I thought about this over and over again. And one of my biggest healing tools after my miscarriage was education. I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked to several woman that had experienced the same thing. Connecting and sharing with those women made a HUGE difference in my dealing with my grief. I went from being educated to educating. I worked my way to that with TTC and then with miscarriage. Both times healing my heart and easing my pain more then I could every imagine.

So I am getting real about infertility. I am going to be as real as possible here on my feelings and our struggles and the process to a happy healthy baby. I am slowly getting there on my message boards. The woman there are always wonderful and so supportive. But I want a place where I can let it ALL out. Swear words and all! Cause infertility brings on a whole new brand of swear words! LOL I have no intention of spreading my word all over town ... or facebook. I don't want to be disrespectful to other peoples feelings. I wish everybody felt that way. So here it will stay. And of course my boards. But fair warning it will be honest. There will be swearing and crying and pain. But I am hoping it will soon develop into overwhelming joy. And if I can help one lady feel less on her own in the TTC/Miscarriage/Infertility world and more normal then I feel my story is worth telling. So hold on ... it's gonna get wild!!!

RE Consultation

2009-05-20T21:06:00.001-07:00

Ethan and I had our RE consultation today. It went very well! It kinda sucks that the fertility clinic is on the same floor as obstetrics. We almost knocked into a very largely pregnant woman when we got off the elevator. Not what you want to see on your way to the RE office. But it ended up being a pretty fantastic appointment.

First of all Ethan and I both LOVE our RE doctor! She was very nice and friendly and explained everything to us. She never once brought up the issue of weight. That was a big fear of mine. But she never said a word. She made it very clear that although fertility treatment does have an increased risk of multiple births she in no way shape or form wanted to make me the next octomom. Which in our minds gave her a lot of credit. Her goal is to help us fill our dream of bringing home healthy baby. There is always the chance of 2 or 3 but it is low. She will not do anything to put me or our baby/babies in danger. That made us respect her more and feel safe in her hands.

She went over all of our past test results with us. She broke it all down and explained the results and what every thing meant and what was normal. She also looked at my BBT charts and was impressed. She said it helped her zero in on what she thinks the problem is and what tests need to be run. She was also very happy that we had already done most of the tests she would have suggested to us. That way we can just get on with treatment and not have to wait since we have been TTC for 3 years now.

So Ethan' SA was fine. We knew that. But she went over everything in the results piece by piece. 20 million is considered normal. His sperm count was 89 million and she was pleasantly shocked. Morphology should be 15% and his was 14% but with that many spermies swimming around it is really not an issue. So Ethan will not have to do anymore testing.

All my tests looked good. She did notice from my charts that I have been ovulating later and later in my cycle. I told her I have a lot of cramping around ovulation so I know ahead of time when it is coming. She said my body should not have to work that hard to ovulate. Also because it is taking so long she is worried about the quality of egg that I FINALLY pop out.

Soooooo ... when I get my next period I have to go in for blood tests to check my hormone levels including my FSH. She does not think there is a problem with my ovarian reserve but she wants to check it to cover all our bases. I will also have to go in for an ultrasound so they can take a look at my ovaries and the egg quality.

The doctor gave me a prescription for clomid! She said I can start as soon as I get my next period. Well CD 3 ... but ya know what I mean. I don't have to wait for all the testing to be done since we have already done the big stuff. She said hopefully this will make me ovulate sooner in my cycle, increase the quality of egg I release and of course the number of eggs I release. That ups our chances of getting pregnant. Also it means shorter cycles which means more opportunity to get pregnant. We will try 4 cycles of clomid and if that doesn't work we will move up to IUI.

The doctor did warn us of twins. She asked if that was a problem or not. Would we be ok with twins? We both said YES! Twins are just fine and dandy! Of course our goal is one healthy baby. But at this points twins would not bother us one bit.

So everything was great. We love our doctor and feel well taken care of. We are both relieved to have taken that first step and started to try and fix things. There is light at the end of the tunnel again!

New Hope

2009-05-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have some renewed hope again. I made the call yesterday to the fertility clinic. I have been scared to do it for 2 years now. I just kept hoping that I would "POOF" and become pregnant. That some how egg would meet sperm and settle in for a 9 month nap and I would not have to call in the doctors. But sadly that has not happened. So I sucked it up and finally called the appointment desk. The woman on the phone was wonderful and kind and patient with all of my questions. I hope this is just a small glimpse at what will be a wonderful clinic. We have our consultation on May 20th. We just go in, give the doc all our info, past test results, my BBT charts and chit chat about what might be wrong and what tests are needed still and what he will be able to do for us. I am so excited and can not wait. I just hope that I get a doctor who does not make my weight an issue. Or worse make my weight the only issue in his/her mind. I am working hard to lose weight and doing well. 15 pounds lost and like 8 billion left to go. But I am trying and getting results. So I can't complain. And hopefully the doctor won't either. Wish us luck!

It is fixed!!!

2009-05-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

YES! Our dishwasher is finally fixed!!! I can wash dishes again. OK so I could still wash dishes before. But I had to do it by hand. And well I am lazy and it didn't get done very often. But now the dishwasher is full and running well. What more could I ask for?! ... OK maybe a maid that comes just once a week and deep cleans everything in my house ... that's not to much to ask for right?

I am frustrated!!!

2009-05-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

This is my last week of class for this semester. I am getting to the point where I can not wait for this Chemistry class to be OVER! The material is hard but I can work through that. It is the behavior in the class and the teacher that is making me stress out. I don't need more stress!

There are a group of students in my class, roughly half of the class, that are disruptive. They talk constantly through out class, making jokes and not paying attention. They interrupt the teacher often in the middle of lecture. I don't mind so much when it is to ask a question to clarify something that they do not understand. I think there is a more polite way to do it. But maybe I am an old fuddy duddy. But I can not stand when they interrupt for stupid and often smart a$$ comments about the teacher, the class, the material or some way to wiggle out of doing the work.

Today one of them asked if we were the worst class that my teacher had and he said "Yes you are." AHHH! I was so mad! I sit quietly and make every effort to pay attention and learn the material to the best of my ability. My education is important to me and I am really trying. It frustrates me to have that focus interrupted. It frustrates me to be thrown into the general "bad" class comment. I just want it to be done.

I don't blame my teacher for being angry ... let's face it he is just flat out pissed off lately. I can see why. I feel his frustration and it does bother me. Today those other students were trying to get him to let them take the final Thursday morning during our morning lecture. The final is scheduled for Thursday afternoon during our lab hours so that we have the entire 2 hours to take the final and do well. So after class this morning and by the time I made it home my teacher had sent out a mass email to all the students in my class. Here is a copy of the email he sent out.

"Due to the lack of respect for me and the people who are trying to learn the material, I will not give any final exam early during lecture unless everyone is ready so I can watch you take the final. There are no exceptions to this. Matt"

I want to send him an email back, separate from the original email of course so no one else can read it. I want to tell him that I want to have Thursday morning for review and that I am not comfortable expressing that in front of those other students.

My birthday has got to get better soon right?

Decluttering continues ...

2009-04-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

I believe I have mentioned that my resolution this year is to declutter my home. I am slowely but sure making progress. I worked hard this afternoon. I tore things apart, cleaned them out, wiped them down, disinfected when needed and reoragnized everything before putting it back. And what do I have to show for it?
A nice clean cabinet in the kitchen.
1 down ... just 6 more to go...
And a fridge and 2 freezers that you can actually find food in.

Now if only a little fairy would come a long and wash my dishes for me ...

Our Third New Addition

2009-04-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

And lastly ... well for now anyway ... are our new bulls! The other ones were makin babies that were to big and the mamas were having trouble and the calves were getting stuck ... it's a long story. Anyway we got 2 new Black Angus bulls on Tuesday. They are big meaty handsome men ... and a little noisey too.
He enjoys striking a pose.

This one never stops talking. LOL

Big boy ain't he?

Our 2 new handsome bulls.

Second New Addition

2009-04-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

First it was the ducklings. Now we also have chicks! WOOHOO! We have 6 Rhode Island Red chicks now too. They are so fuzzy wuzzy you want to snuggle them to death. But I resist.

Ouch ... bright light ...

Snugglin in and makin new friends.

Sibling rivalry.

WOMAN! Must you really bright me so often?!

It's harder to get them to look at the camera for a picture then Brad & Angelina.

Who needs king of the hill when I have KING OF THE DUCKLINGS!!!

My new adventure in poultry raising!

2009-04-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

I have new babies! No not new chicks yet. I went looking for them but they were all out. I hope to go on Monday and get some. But they did have mallard ducklings left. So we brought home 6 itty bitty fuzzy little ducklings. They are SOOO very cute! This is my first time raising ducklings and I am excited. I still intend on getting chicks this spring to raise. They will just have some ducky friends to grow up with this time! Say hello to our new additions.

Around the farm April 2009

2009-04-22T11:44:00.001-07:00

Since it is Earth Day today I am going to write in green. Corny? Yes ... but I don't really care. LOL

I have been crazy busy this month and some how missed blogging ... and so much has happened! No there is still no baby on the way and I am not done with Chemistry class yet. But I am working on both of those still. So who knows.

We had a 20 year old 4 wheeler that finally kicked the bucket. Which was fine by me since I could not drive it anyway. So we decided it was time for a new piece of farm equipment!

This is our new 2009 Yamaha Rhino! She is a beauty right?! And I can actually drive her!

Functional and fun to drive. What more could I ask for?!

My big project so far this spring has been getting my garden set up.

My FIL tilled up a nice garden for me and I put up the fence and got a few things planted. I plan on doing more but I think I am waiting until May to finish planting. Give it a little more time to warm up first.

This is where my garden grows.

Red Peppers, Tomatillos, Tomatoes, and Green Peppers

Green Beans, Sweet Pea, Snow Peas
I plan on putting in much more. Everything is ready to be planted. But like I said before I want it to warm up a big more first.

In less than a month Bocephus and I will be celebrating our birthdays. I will be 29 years old.

Bocephus will be 2 years old the day after my birthday. Woohoo for us!

The chickens are finally able to get out and run around again. I am sure the appreciate the warm weather again too.

This pretty little Plymouth Rock Hen is working on making me more babies! WOOHOO!

This is the rooster that I call Chicken Nugget. He likes to crow outside my bedroom window EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I told him if he kept it up I would make him into a chicken nugget! The name just stuck after that.

The widow peacock is still alive and morning the loss of her beloved. We totally need to get her a new hubby. Maybe we would even get some peacock babies out of her again then!

Chicken Nugget and his crew.
The chickens are doing well but we are down to 1/2 a dozen now. So my next spring time project will be more baby chickens. I plan on putting a fence up around the yard just outside the chicken coop. Partially to keep Bo and the other dogs out and partially to keep the babies in where it is safe. Once I have gotten the fence up and the coop cleaned out properly and some new chick supplies I hope to buy some more Barred Rock and Plymouth Rock chicks. I am so excited to have babies again!!!

We celebrated another Easter.

Gotta get them in while I can. Before long he will not want to play along on the whole Easter Bunny/Santa Claus thing. But if he is smart like me he will just keep playing along until 18 or so. LOL

The farm is a bloom with new babies. Calves are dropping left and right now.

And they are so dang cute!

If I could snuggle them I would. But I can't out run the mamas so I don't even try. Maybe if I try and hug them from the Rhino ... OK fine I will stay on my side of the electric fence.

I am also hoping for some kittens this spring/summer.

Are you girls listening?

HEY! Pay attention! I am talking to you young lady!

I more of these!

Pretty please!

But PLEASE no puppies. I can't take anymore dogs right now. You all are crazy enough.

Don't make that face at me young lady! I am serious! One more dog around here and I might go live in the barn with that cats! Don't test me!

April Fools!!!

2009-04-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

April Fools!!! Apparently this year Mother Nature is the big prankster. Yes it is in fact April. Yes it is actually spring. But you would be hard pressed to tell that with the low 30s and SNOW! Yes that is right I said snow. It friggin snowed last night. Kinda makes ya wanna beat somebody. I am hoping that spring is just around the corner ... any corner at this point!

yuck

2009-03-31T09:53:00.001-07:00

It's cold and crappy here. I feel kinda sick to my stomach. Hope I didn't catch the flu while at work yesterday. But when somebody breathes right into your face it is hard to stay healthy. Guess I will just have to take my vitamins, get as much rest as possible and pray to God I don't get sick. LOL I am so not in the mood to be sick. Better go figure out what I am making for lunch before we tackle all the junk mail in the kitchen. BLAH! I need a maid ... like yesterday. LOL

Warm? What is that?

2009-03-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

In my last post did I say it was warm here? It must have all been a dream. LOL It is the end of March. Almost April now! And it is still only 30 degrees outside! I can not take the cold much longer! We get a little tease of warm air every now and then. But then ... last night on the news ... I swear I heard them say something about a blizzard coming towards Minnesota! WTF?!?!?! You have GOT to be kidding me! Did someone forget to wake mother nature back up? Did somebody forget to send Persephone the memo that is was time to come back up!!!!!!

WARMTH!!!

2009-03-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

It's warm! It's warm! I wasn't sure if 60 degrees even existed anymore! I hope it stays warm. I can't take any more cold. It is definately time for spring!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate liars.

2009-03-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

If I could make an angry face on here I would. Don't worry. For once the hubby is not in trouble. LOL A coworker is. I "think" I know which one it is but have no way to prove it. I just can't believe what lieing sack of shits some people can be. Kinda makes me want to run them over with my big red SUV. But that would only get me put in jail. LOL So that is probably not a good idea.

The bitc ... I mean witch ... is in the house ... again!

2009-03-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

Yep AF found me. Evil ... evil ... EVIL witch that she is found me yesterday. Right before work of course! Because I could not just have a simple relaxing evening at work. I can not just enjoy myself in my job after a brain draining chemistry test earlier in the day. Nope! Not I! AF shows when I peed before leaving for work. By the time I drove myself to work I was looking through my purse frantically looking for the Advil. *sigh* I am so sick of AF. I am so sick of not being pregnant.

Can it be?

2009-03-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

Is that sun I see out there? Can it be true? Is spring finally coming?

Yes it is true. It is sunny out there ... for now anyway. Spring may or may not be coming yet. I am not holding my breath in anticipation though.

Come on!

2009-03-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

It is March ... right? I realize that in Minnesota that means very little. But do we really need to continue to have snow storms? The one yesterday was not as bad they said it was going to be. Thankfully! But it did still sleet and snow and get all kinds of schmutzy out there. And of course I had to drive in it. But then what is new? LOL

My pretty salt job was pretty much destroyed. Friday I bought a bag of salt from Wal-mart to melt all that ice we had ... well every where. I also hurt my back trying to lift that sucker from the bin to my cart and then from my cart into the Explorer. Thankfully the hubby lugged it out of the vehicle and into the house. I spent probably 20 minutes on Saturday before work going around and salting all my paths. From the house to the garage and from the house to the burning barrel. I salted in front of the garage too because that was also a death trap. It was nice to have some traction when we walked across the yard. I think it really doesn't matter anymore though. It's all covered in snow again. And God only knows when we will see the sun again ... or 70 degrees.

It's actually kinda fun.

2009-03-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

I got my treadmill put together last night. Ok ... the hubby put my treadmill together last night. I mostly watched and offered assistance where he needed it. So I really didn't do much of anything. LOL But it is up and running now. WOOHOO!

I walked for 45 minutes last night and did 1 mile. Then this morning I got up and walked another mile but I did it in 40 minutes this time. WOOHOO! LOL So far so good.

My goal is at least 15 minutes a day, 7 days a week. So far I am blowing that out of the water. But I am not going to force myself to keep up this faster pace. What ever I feel up for that day as long as I get at least 15 minutes in.

Start Walkin!

2009-02-28T09:59:00.000-08:00

I finally bought a treadmill! I bought it Thursday night. I dragged it into the house all by myself Friday morning. I am hoping that some time on Saturday I will actually get it put together. And if I am lucky by Sunday I will be able to start using it. WOOHOO! Wish me luck!

We have doors ... well sorta ...

2009-02-19T10:17:00.000-08:00

So for some reason we have never had doors on the bedrooms downstairs. I don't know why or where they went. They might be upstairs ... maybe in the attic even. I honestly have no idea.

I have been wanting to put up curtains in place of the missing doors for a long time now. The hubby has always seemed less then excited about the idea. I am sick of trying to dress while dodging windows and the kiddlet in the living room. So he finally agreed to let me put up the curtains between our bedrooms and the living room. I got to go shopping! LOL I found a very pretty red set that work wonderfully in my opinion. They block off the rooms and I finally feel like I have some sort of privacy. So here they are! Our new "doors"!

Lottery? You have got to be ....

2009-02-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

I got the letter in the mail from the school Bryan applied to for next year. He did not get in. Apparently they had more applications then spots. So they did a lottery to choose who could get in. WTF? So instead of basing it on who did the best and scored the best they instead just picked names at random. That's bull shit! It just seems totally unfair to me. Work hard and do well ... but don't try to hard cause it doesn't really mean jack and shit. Great ... thanks for teaching my son that little life lesson ... jerks. So he is on the waiting list to get in. He is 2nd in line for a spot. So I am hoping a LOT that 2 kids bail out before fall and he gets in. Fingers crossed!

Smoooooooooooooth

2009-02-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

I got new tires on the Explorer today. The hubby didn't make it more then a few feet before he turned around and declared we were going to Sam's Club for new tires. WOOHOO! I drove around like that for over a month now and it only took seconds to drive him bonkers. LOL So I got new tires and it is AMAZING. I can't believe how different it is. The ride is so smooth that I don't notice when I am speeding. Caught myself doing 55 in a 40 mph zone on my way back home. Ooops! LOL Oh well. I will just have to put the cruise on and hope I don't get a ticket. LOL

Can't wait!

2009-02-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

I can not wait for this to come out!

So proud I had to fight back tears!

2009-02-05T06:20:00.000-08:00

The boy had his conferences at school last night. I am never very worried when I go to these things. He is pretty well behaved. Other then the homework delema we had a few years ago, he does well and is happy. So when the teacher started whispering in the hall way that she had something she needed to talk to us about I got worried. *GULP* What did he do? Or not do? OMG ... gonna faint ... ok pulled back together. LOL

So when we got into the room she says to me that she thinks he should be in the advanced math classes next year. I thought "Is that all?" LOL I was worried it was something I didn't know about! Then she asked if I new he placed high enough for the highly gifted program for junior high school next year.
Yes ....
Did I plan on letting him go?
HA HA HA Ummm ... I kinda already fill out all the paperwork weeks ago when we first found out!
She seemed very relieved. She had no idea how relieved I was! She informed us that only 6 students from his school qualified and only 3, one of those is him, will be going next year. Out of those 6 kids that placed high enough the boy was 3rd. THIRD!!! And the child that placed second was only 1 point higher then he was! AMAZING! I was pleasantly surprised! How fantastic is that?!?!?! I did my best to fight back the tears of pride that swelled up and threatened to give me away as a sappy momma. But then she is a mother of a boy close to my boys age. So I am sure she would have understood my corny tears.

Then she told me a story about the girl who had placed first in the school. She is new to the country and struggles with English sometimes. During a grammer game she thought she had done something to hurt her teams chances. She didn't. She just misunderstood the card she picked. But she was upset and began to cry. My son got up from his seat, went to her, sat down next to her, and talked to her until she stopped crying and cheered her up. The tears could easily start flowing again! OMG! My lip must have been trembling cause I could barely speak. My voice was just gone from trying not to cry! The teacher commented on how most kids would have ignored her crying or made fun of her. That is just the way some kids are at that age. But not my boy ... nope ... he did his best to make her feel better. The teacher seemed just as impressed as I was.

She commented on how she had been thinking about what the kids in her class would be in 15 years. She thinks the boy will be an engineer for some place like NASA! I laughed and told her with all the Star Wars and Star Trek and Stargate that boy watches it would not suprise me one bit! LOL How could you not be proud of your son when he is a cheif engineer, on a starship, for Star Fleet? I mean how many mother's get to say that? HA HA HA OK so it may not be on a starship. But for as much as he loves math and sci-fi it would not be a far stretch to be working for NASA some day. A mama can hope right?

Going down ... down ... down ...

2009-02-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

My temps are on a slow decline. That's how it looks anyway. Unless they jump back up tomorrow ... well I think AF will be on her way in the near future. UGH! I was so queasy all day yesterday and last night that I was starting to get some hope back. *sigh* I guess only time will tell. But if I am not pregnant then my body needs to get it's shit together and move on to the next cycle so we can have another chance.

Badge Update!

2009-02-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

I found the freakin badges!!! They were right on top of a stack of DVDs in the living room. Could not have been more obvious. *smacks self in the head* All this stress and argueing and crap and they were right there. They were face down with a couple of old photo albums on top so I can see how I didn't realize they were in there. But come on! I should have recognized the friggin baggie! LOL Oh well they are found! Now I can go pick out my new treadmill he promised me if I found them. Unless he tries to back out of that one now. LOL

Badges

2009-02-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

I have torn this house apart looking for those stupid badges for the hubby's uniforms!!! I am so sick of looking. I am sick of him complaining. I don't know where they are! I don't know how they disappeared. And let's face it they are not MY responsibility! Yet I am the one getting yelled and to find them and why haven't I found them yet. UGH! I tore the bedroom apart today and still nothing! We worked so hard cleaning the kitchen and NOTHING! I can't stop sneezing now due to all the dust I have kicked up today. You have no idea how many bottle of lotion I found under his side of the bed that he keeps stealing from the bathroom! No wonder I can never find a bottle after my shower! Squirt some in your hands, rub it in, and leave the bottle ALONE! *sigh* OK I feel a hair better now that I have vented. I feel like I am going to puke. Would like to blame that on being pregnant but God only knows if that is true or not. My luck I am just coming down with some craptaculer virus. I need a nap or something. LOL But no ... no no ... I will continue my quest to find these Fing badges!!! Wish me luck!

I am gonna build me a fort!

2009-02-04T06:46:00.000-08:00

I could build myself a fort out of all the negative pregnancy tests I have taken lately. The first one I took was a very faint positive. I swear ... no I am not seeing lines ... I don't think anyway. But every one after has been negative. And it is driving me CRAZY! Gonna pull my hair out pretty soon! My period is almost a week overdue. My temps are still nice and high. I have had a cramp every now and then. Most of the time it turns out I just had to fart. Gross right? So I didn't even bother to test this morning. What is the point? Maybe in a few days I will try again. Or maybe AF will show. I don't know. But something has to happen pretty soon. In the mean time I will be in the corner makin my fort ... hope I can keep this dogs out of it ... and Sonny from peeing on it ... eeeeeew!

I am a ...

2009-01-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!
I guess I am a Bella. Makes sense I suppose. Check it out at Twilighters Anonymous.

OK I have a ... small obsession ...

2009-01-28T14:38:00.000-08:00

... OK so it may be a big obsession ... FINE it's HUGE ... HUGE I tell you!!! LOL I love chickens. Real and fake and all over my walls! HE HE HE

And I do have some real ones.

But they keep running away every time I try to take their pictures. LOL

The Great 2009 Declutter Project!

2009-01-23T13:10:00.000-08:00

So my new years resolution for 2009 was to clean and declutter my home. We have a few generations worth of junk laying around and it is time for it to GO! We started cleaning and throwing stuff out Wednesday night. I worked again today and the hubby and I might do more tonight. Not much of a date night but oh well. So here are some pictures of our progress. I will not be showing before pictures. They are sad ... very very sad ... but you can see how the rooms look as go threw them and clean.

Finally a place to do homework and plan meals for the family!

The dog kennels are gone and we can see the TV again!

Looooook .... we have chairs you can actually sit in again!

More pictures to come as the progress continues. Hopefully it will be done soon. It would be nice to have the space and comfort to have people over again.

I must be crazy ... but my head feels good.

2009-01-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

So I was having a really rough time with my hair being so long and ratty and snarly and damaged. So I thought it would be a good idea to get a hair cut. Yaaaaa ... maybe not so short next time I am thinking. UGH! Why do I do this to myself. I had a great haircut about a year ago. It was short but not to short.

In the last year my hair has grown really really long. This is me before my haircut.

But when I miscarried last January out of grief I died my hair black. And it refused to come out. So on top of being damaged by the hair dye I had a 2 toned head. So I decided it was best to cut as much of the black and damaged hair out. I just didn't think it would be this much.

Yep that's me now ...

... it's all gone. *sigh* Why do I do this to myself? Now I feel like a boy!

Is that what you are wearing?

2009-01-21T06:34:00.000-08:00

I know I know. It is none of my buisness. And I know I can't dress any better. But I would assume if you can afford fancy schmancy desingers and people to "dress" you then you would be well dressed. There is always the bad days were you just totally miss the boat. But if your husband is on the verge of becoming the President of the United States then maybe you should get your shit together and plan carefully! I am sure a lot of thought went into the outfits and I am sure the designers are so proud. Ok I know they are cause I saw them on the Today show this morning. And I would also assume that she was comfortable.

But I have to admit I did not like her clothes yesterday! She got out of the car and headed up to the church and the first words out of my mouth were "Is that what you are wearing?" I was pretty much just talking to the dogs as I am sure Michelle can not read my mind. Your dress should probably not match the dizzying yellow of the church. It is bad when the reporters have trouble commenting on the color of your dress and the church matching with out bursting into laughter. I also think the texture of your jacket should not match the texture of your grandmother's mustard yellow curtains. But then that is just me

But I had high hopes for her ballgown. It could easily be amazing and I was sure she would look beautiful. OY was I wrong. It looked like some one had taken a white dress and super glued pieces toilet paper to it. It reminded me of the toilet paper veil that was made for me to wear during my bachelorette party a few years ago. She could have looked so amazing it brought tears to your eyes. So sad that didn't happen.

Oh well. I cut all my hair off like an idiot yesterday. So I guess it was just a bad fashion day in general. *shrugs* Hair grows back and by now I am sure she has changed her clothes.

Brrrrrrr!!!

2009-01-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

I can't take the cold anymore! AHHHH! I have had enough! Make it go away! Below zero is one thing. But 50 below zero is just to much! I dang near froze my face off walking to class yesterday. The boy had Thursday and Friday off due to the dangerously cold temps. I of course still have to go to class and work. Brrrrrrr! Is it friggin spring yet?

Proud Mama Hen

2009-01-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Bryan took a placement test at the end of last year. I had not heard anything about it so I figured he placed in the average range and thought nothing more of it. On Thursday I got a letter in the mail saying he scored high enough to be eligible for the highly gifted program!!! So I talked to Bryan and made sure it was something he actually wanted to do. It would mean going to a different middle school then he was scheduled to go to. Bryan was SOOOO excited when he heard he made it in! So I went down to the middle school today and filled out all the paperwork for him. I don't know if I have to wait for an acceptance letter or if it is just a done deal. Not sure how that works. But I am so proud of him and he is so excited! I am a little sad that I am old enough to have a child going into middle school. HA HA HA But I am so happy he is doing very well. It is something that those of us who have spent any time being a single mom worry about. It is so hard to raise a child alone and you wonder if you are doing right by them. I must have done something right for the first 2 years and a lot right in the last 8 years! WOOHOO!!!

Angel Baby

2009-01-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

Today is our 1 year angel anniversary. January 13, 2008 I miscarried our sweet angel baby. I can not believe it has been a year already. It went by so quickly. I have healed a lot over the last year. Things are getting easier everyday. It does not seem humanly possible when you are in the throws of grief. But time does heal all wounds. Corny ... I know ... but like I have said before life is corny most of the time.

I have been pretty OK most of the day. I started to get a little sad this morning. But I told myself to suck it up. I had my first day of class for the spring semester today and I had to work tonight. So I just did not have time to be sad this morning. I made myself focus on what needed to be done. I worked with 2 coworkers that I enjoy so that made it easier. It was one coworkers last day. So I just tried to focus on having a good night for him and not make it all about me. Hard to do when you are grieving.

Then we were watching the episode of Scrubs when Carla has her baby. It was a funny episode and I was enjoying it. Then they got to the end when Turk brings out the baby and the tears welled up. I couldn't help but think about how that should have been us in August. I thought about how my hubby would have been that proud and excited. How we should be holding and enjoying our child in our arms not just our hearts. I some how managed to pull myself together. I texted the hubby and told him I was sad but very happy that I still had him and my son. I just wish I could have been home with him instead of at work. I think I pulled it together before my coworkers noticed but I am not sure.

I probably should sit down and allow myself to cry now. Who knows ... it might feel good. That's what nice hot showers are good for right? Maybe I will fill the tub with pretty bath salts or bubbles and just let it flow. Take the time to grieve today for our angel baby. We miss you angel and wish every single day that you were still with us. I am gonna go light my candle for our angel now.

Why ... I mean seriously ... why?

2009-01-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

What is wrong with my child's school? It is snowing outside right now like CRAZY. Every other school in the area, both in our town and around our town, has closed for the day. Has my son's school closed early today? Nooooooo ... of course not. Why would they want the kids to be safe right? So he is not getting out of school early even though it is obvious to the rest of the state that it is time to send the kiddlets home. The boy doesn't get home until almost 5pm lately anyway. I guess the hubby shouldn't be to worried until about ... oh 6pm? LOL

I have seen lots and lots of programs cancel for the day too. Every other program planned for the evening that is for the disabled has canceled classes. But the one I have to go to tonight, the one I hate with a passion, it of course has not put out any message about being canceled. Well guess what? I am SOOOO not going! There is NO way I am going to load the residents up in that van, in the cold and risk having a car accident in the 2-4 inches of snow we are suppose to get tonight just because you are being dumb like the boys school. Forget it! Not gonna ruin my driving record. Not gonna risk injuring residents or staff. Not gonna ruin a perfectly good, and I am sure expensive, handicap van. Forget it!

Tomorrow we are suppose to have a blizzard warning all day. So maybe I will get to at least spend the first half of the day curled up in bed and crying. I am gonna guess I will not have my first day of class. Sucktackular to the teacher I am sure. But if it snows like it is suppose to snow all day today and all night tonight I am thinking it would not be wise to even have the college open. But we will see tomorrow. My school tends to be just as dumb as my son's school. UGH!

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~~ Clomid ~~ The Rules ~*~